That blog was so good for me in so many ways. First, it helped me to stop keeping my life such a secret from everyone. I have a tendency to just keep my thoughts and feelings completely to myself. However, being the writer that I am, having a blog not only helped me share about our lives and our process, but it helped me share the contents of my heart in a way that I'd never done in such a public way before. Slowly, but surely, the introvert in me was coming out, and, for the first time, I felt "known".
As the process went on and life got confusing and hard, my blog became my outlet. It was there that I shared what was going on inside, emotionally. Yes, it was supposed to be about our family's journey, so it included lots of soccer stuff and our traveling adventures, but many times it became solely about me. There were times in the process that we all just kept to ourselves, trying to process what was going on, so I couldn't really speak for anyone else but myself.
When the adoption crumbled and we were left with nothing but an empty home and empty hearts, I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and erase the day that I started that blog. That blog made the fall harder than ever because it was all so public. Everyone knew. However, now that God had me write a book about the whole experience, I couldn't be more thankful for having written that blog. Every detail, every penny, every up and down, every emotion--it was all documented, in order, with dates attached. There was no way I could have rewritten our story had I not had it all documented on that blog.
That blog had one main purpose, to share the events of our adoption journey, but obviously it served for many other purposes, as well. However, that journey is over, and we are on a new one now. There are things in your life that change you, then there are moments in life that define you. I believe our adoption journey/experience is one that not only changed us, but it redefined us and our purpose in life. That is why I closed that blog and started a new one (besides the fact that it shared way too much information about two children that I cannot claim as my own). It is not an attempt to gain followers or attract an audience for my book. It is not all about the book or an attempt at marketing it. The book is a chronological retelling of the events that led us to where we are in life now, the experiences that led us to the present journey we're now on. This blog now is a way for others, yes, maybe those who don't know me but have read the book, to continue to follow our journey into the heart and life of one particular orphan (who represents at least 15 million more around the world). It is a place to share the people and the family that we became over the course of our adoption process. It was kindly suggested to me to maybe shrink back a little bit on the religion/spirituality in this blog in order to not narrow my audience. I thought long and hard over that, but I realized that to take out the depth of the relationship with God that we gained in this journey would be to discredit the whole purpose of this blog. Our experience, as I said, changed us and redefined us. This blog is to continue to share our journey and to reflect the people and the family that we became through the experiences that God led us through.
Anyway, this post has been on my heart for awhile, but I just couldn't find the words to express it. I sat down to make a phone call to Colombia this morning, but I kept getting a busy signal. So I opened up my blog while I was waiting to get through, and finally the words just came..... I hope they make sense.