Then about a year ago, the well began to go dry, and words don't come easily any more. Perhaps because I'm out of practice. Perhaps because they became a burden rather than a release. Maybe I've been too distracted to be able to fully concentrate, or maybe this season of life is just meant to be lived so I can reflect on it in writing in a later season.
I can hardly believe that I'm now only days away from boarding a plane for the first leg of a trip that I once only dreamed of. Rather than feeling excitement brew within me, I instead have found myself battling tension and fear. I haven't written a poem in a very long time, but I sensed this one begging to come out. It's a combination of several scraps of paper with a few scribbles and stanzas written on each one. When put together, I believe it finally gives words to the tension and anxiety building inside me as the day draws closer to the second leg of our trip. (Just writing it out actually gave me much more clarity and peace.)
The Other Side of the Tapestry
Content I was with my little boy
Until thoughts of adoption began to stir.
We talked, we prayed, and we both agreed
That we wanted a little girl.
Though we'd already begun a process
for a little girl we did not know,
when we laid our eyes on your picture
we knew we had to go.
We knew we had to meet you
and the brother here with you, too.
We knew we had to see
if God was doing something new.
We filled out the mountain of papers,
and paid all the outrageous fees.
We attended every single training,
and I spent hours upon my knees.
Nine years have already passed
since your sweet picture caught my eye.
I fell in love with you in an instant
and loved you even more as time went by.
Your curious spirit intrigued me,
Your bubbly personality filled me with joy.
How I longed to bring you home
to your room already filled with toys.
To the dolls I had set up for you,
to a closet full of pretty clothes.
To a mama longing for a little girl,
to capture that first mother/daughter pose.
Instead I only got to love on you
through a year of talking on the phone.
My job was just to give you the love of a mother
until God gave you a mom of your own.
I accepted God's plan for your life
and accepted His plan for mine, too.
But why God had me love you just to lose you,
I truly didn't have a clue.
He had you on a different path
and took you oh so far away.
I've wondered about you often,
and prayed for you almost every day.
When your brother eventually came home to me,
He found your pictures up on his shelf.
Their comfort a bittersweet reminder
that he was missing a part of himself.
I had no idea how to find you,
but I knew I had to find a way.
I begged God, and I pleaded,
"Please give her back to him someday."
Now here I sit with mixed emotions,
our dream about to come true.
Only 12 days now remain
Until we finally reunite with you.
Rather than excitement mounting,
My eyes keep spilling tears.
Tension continues building,
and I'm overwhelmed with fears.
I feel joy and fear colliding,
Knowing how hard this will tug on my heart.
But I'm grateful God is now giving me
a fuller glimpse of His art.
A clearer picture of the tapestry
He's been weaving together all along.
The other side of the story
where all I could see was what went wrong.
We get to see where God took you
that day you skipped out of your brothers' lives.
We get to meet the family that needed you
and the friends so thankful you arrived.
Your brother can now move forward
No longer feeling incomplete.
Though he had to give you up,
Your story did not end in defeat.
I will get to see why God let me love you
and pray for you all these years.
The purpose for the role I played in your life,
And the redemption of so many tears.
A story still in the making
By an author known as God himself.
I look forward to embracing our dream
and updating those pictures up on the shelf.
Fearful or not, I'm ready to go
Leaning on God to carry me through.
I trust that when we get to other side,
We'll see another breathtakng, mountaintop view..