Coming out of the quiet place

I started July with a prompting from the Holy Spirit to make it a month of R.E.S.T.

A month to:

• Refuel/Refill my cup
• Expect to see God
• Soak up God's presence
• Trust God's sovereignty and control

Upon asking God to refill my cup, several virtual opportunities popped up that let me know He heard my request and had just the "fuel" that I needed at this particular time.

Let's just say that I soaked every one of them up, and I've got journals filled with pages and pages of notes to review (I learn and process information best by writing it down).

A two-day cross-cultural ministry course led by a missionary that mentored me as an intern in Mexico over 20 years ago. Though I only spent two short months in Mexico that year, the experience living with, working under, and learning from him and his wife still impact me today. As I listened to those in attendance (mostly missionaries and church leaders), I was once again reminded of all the cross-cultural aspects of my life that God prepared me for and continues to equip me for today. In my workplace, in my classroom, in online relationships, in ministry, and in my own home.

A full-day conference for teachers of faith called Teacher, Be Still, where each speaker reminded me that God will be with me every step of the way throughout this school year, reminding me that He is IN me. He commands me to be salt, to stay salty in my workplace. But I have a responsibility to stay plugged in, to start each day with Jesus, in order to not lose my ability to add flavor. My school is my mission field, but if I don't have a constant source to draw from to refuel, I will become useless in that mission field, as well as in all other areas of my life. Cutting off access to salt has a detrimental effect on all of society. I have two choices this year: Believe the worry and the fear OR accept the call to the front line and trust that God is on the front line with me. I can see all that's broken around me, or I can choose to see the beauty in that brokenness. It's there. I just have to look for it. 

I transferred all my notes directly to my Teacher Planner so I have them with me whenever I need them. 

A weekend conference with Priscilla Shirer and her sister called Desperate for Jesus.  Several speakers presented, but the one that stood out to me the most was Katherine Wolf, speaking about how to still praise God in suffering, reminding us that even when all seems lost, we have to find gratitude for what IS left, pick up those pieces, and build a new life that may not look anything like the old, but it can still be beautiful. (Sure sounds a lot like the school year ahead!) We can change our attitude and shift our perspective when we realize that God chose us for hard things because HE IS ABLE. We can ask God questions without questioning God or His character. Perhaps the treasure He allows us to find in the darkness is a treasure that someone else needs, and He chose US to carry that treasure to them. 

In addition to those three virtual conferences, I also got to spend the entire month of July digging deep into Scripture through a study called Into the Light and then meet virtually with a small group of women to discuss what God has been teaching us through it. I finished up a four week study on Facebook Live with my pastor's wife about how God wants us to FLOURISH in all areas of our life. I read several marriage books that had been recommended to me earlier in the year, I spent time coloring and meditating on the Psalms, and I prayed tons of Scripture over my husband and my sons every morning. I got to spend nearly every single morning outside on my front porch just soaking up God's presence, the part of summer that's always the hardest to let go when school resumes.

That's me and my mom sitting in the back row for the taping!

I love all the ways God continues to refuel me and the ways I can physically recharge in the summers. Even Jesus modeled that need to me, for both physical and spiritual renewal/connection with God.

Luke 5:16 CEV

But Jesus would often go to some place where he could be alone and pray.

Mark 6:31-32 CEV But so many people were coming and going that Jesus and the apostles did not even have a chance to eat. Then Jesus said, "Let's go to a place where we can be alone and get some rest." They left in a boat for a place where they could be alone.

Mark 1:35--Very early the next morning, Jesus got up and went to a place where he could be alone and pray.

Luke 6:12--About that time Jesus went off to a mountain to pray, and he spent the whole night there.

Matthew 14:13a--After Jesus heard about John, he crossed Lake Galilee to go to some place where he could be alone.

Matthew 14:23--Then he went up on a mountain where he could be alone and pray. Later that evening, he was still there.

Mark 6:46-47a--Then he told them goodbye and went up on the side of a mountain to pray. Later that evening, he was still there by himself....

Jesus loved people. Dearly. He became one of them, lived life with them, and ultimately laid down his life for them. But he knew there were times that he needed to retreat to the quiet place.

As my pastor put it in a short devotional one morning this week, sometimes God instructs us to stay put so that we can receive the power we need to move forward. To go back out into the world. Personally, I'm pretty good at retreating to the quiet places. I thrive in silence. My thoughts gain clarity and my creativity comes to life when I spend time alone. I would much rather prefer attending a virtual conference from my front porch or living room than attend a large gathering, surrounded by people on all sides with no chance to really connect with my thoughts, constantly having to make small talk and mingle during short breaks. But God didn't create us for a virtual world, whether there's an invisible contagion out there or not. He created us for community, and he commands us to be salt and light in the world. As much as I would love to, I can't stay in my quiet bubble forever. There's purpose outside of me for this time of renewal inside of me.

These conferences were just what I needed, reminding me of God's purpose for me, equipping me spiritually and empowering me to go back out into the workplace with a supernatural courage and energy. This school year looks to be the most challenging one yet. I'm so thankful for the much needed break so that I can head to the front line with all the power I need to stay salty, no matter what comes my way.

Here we are again

Or are we? I don't know that there's any again to where we are today.

This week marks the last full week of summer break. My last week of summer before I embark upon my 18th year of teaching bilingual students at Bullock Elementary. If this coming year held any bit of resemblance to my last seventeen years, I would have already been in to my classroom, quietly and slowly getting things organized and set up. I can think best when no one is around and the building is silent, so I always find a way to get in to the building at least a week early, if not two weeks, to get my classroom ready. Then when everyone gets there the following week, I can feel free to socialize with anyone who comes by or I can get started on plans, activities, and copies for the first week of classes.

I would have a notebook already filled with notes about how I wanted my classroom to look, creative ideas about how to manage things a little differently, something new I want to try out, etc. I also would have made a few small purchases for my classroom, likely at garage sales, the Dollar Tree, and Big Lots. And perhaps I would have a few digital documents saved and ready to go for the year.

On the home front, now is about the time I might start to panic over losing my last bit of free time and control over my schedule. Is there anything around the house that still needs attention that I haven't gotten around to? Any last minute appointments I need to make? Any friends or family members that I want to try to get together with for a quick lunch break?  Any last fun outting I want to attempt to squeeze in with my boys?

But this year looks a bit different than most years. Okay, different than any year ever.

No one is allowed in the building, so there's no early classroom preparation. In fact, though staff development starts a week from tomorrow, we haven't even gotten confirmation regarding how and where that week of staff development will actually take place. When classes start the following Monday, they will be 100% virtual for at least the first four weeks. Teaching rules and procedures won't look anything like it has in the past. Rather than practicing how we line up and enter/exit the classroom, beginning procedures will be about how to properly access digital assignments and lessons, how and when to mute the microphone during virtual meetings, and finding ways to become a community over a screen. Once the kids do actually come back to the classroom, there will be a whole new set of procedures and routines to teach, mostly regarding safety and teaching what this new way of COVID learning looks like. We'll be wearing masks and face shields, we'll sit far apart rather than in groups and clusters, we'll each have our own materials stored at our desk rather than the community way we've done for years. Who knows how long we'll have to go without using any playground equipment, share manipulatives, sit on the rug together, or have buddy-reading time on the beanbags. Everything about school will be foreign to all of us. Everything that my students tell me they love about my classroom and the way I teach and manage things won't even exist, well, except for the way I tenderly love each of them. Community won't look anything like we've seen before. Yes, we'll build it. It's just going to look and seem pretty foreign for awhile. Kinda feels like I'll be dropped off in another country again to learn a whole new culture all over again--except this time they're aren't any natives to learn from because we're having to build this new culture one day at a time. Though I don't know how many students will actually be back in the classroom (since they had the option of choosing remote learning for the whole year), I do look forward to the ones that do come back because this group of students was my very last group to teach in Pre-K, so it will be my second opportunity to teach many of them.

So, my bank account is a little fuller, as I  haven't purchased a single thing for my classroom other than a few new colored pens (an attempt to at least get into the school spirit). My "school" notebook isn't filled with new ideas or classroom set up plans this year. Instead it's filled with notes from trainings about teaching in the digital world and working with kids from trauma (as I'm sure we're going to find out just how traumatic this experience can be on a seven-year-old). I haven't created a whole lot of digital files, though, until I get trained on the new digital platform our district will be using this school year.

I did fill my teacher planner with a ton of positive notes, survival strategies, and Scripture verses that I scrambled to write while attending a virtual teacher conference geared toward Christian teachers called Teacher, Be Still. God knew how much I'd need that conference to empower me for the year ahead. Since my planner goes everywhere with me during school, I'll have those notes of encouragement whenever I need them. Reminders that my school is the mission field God sent me to and equipped me for seventeen years ago. Reminders that the safest place to be is in the center of God's will.

On the home front, that looks quite different, as well. Instead of family outtings and adventures, we've turned to bike rides, outdoor coffee dates, and Netflix. All. summer. long. We haven't gone on trips, I still refuse to visit with people indoors, and darn it, those dentist appointments just didn't happen (I hate going to the dentist!). I can't say I've gotten anything accomplished in the house because we're just all there all the time, so it's stayed a constant mess most weeks. Juan and I thought about painting the cabinets in the kitchen, but we just never got around to it. Home has rather been our safe haven, and without the "luxury" of being able to freely invite people in, no one on the outside had to see the mess, anyway. Lol.

I've soaked up every minute of time I could/can with David before he leaves for college in just a few weeks (so far, that hasn't changed). Life really won't ever look the same again, and I am sure his absence will hit me hard. I didn't even get any preparation/practice time to let him go (like sending him to camp in Colorado or to Africa for two weeks on a mission trip). I wonder how many bike rides and outdoor coffee/lunch dates I can convince him to go on with me over the next week. :)

It's going to be a whole new way of life ahead in so many ways. No matter how I try to imagine it, it's all still just too surreal to take it all in.

Am I enough?

This last season of life has brought about a critical question that constantly begs to be answered. Am I enough?

As a responsible citizen, did I do enough during this crisis to make a difference? Did I listen to the right people enough of the time? Did I wear a mask enough? Wash my hands enough? Protect the people I love enough? Follow the rules enough? Disregard the media enough? Respect others opinions enough?

As a good neighbor (or family member), did I reach out enough to those who are hurting, lonely, or needy? Did I call enough to let people know someone cared?

As a teacher, did I contact that parent or student enough to keep them from falling behind? Did I focus enough on my students' personal needs over their academic needs? Did I love them enough? Did I spend enough time on my lessons to make them understandable?

As a friend, did I keep in touch enough? (As an introvert, I can already tell you the answer to that question. I will never keep in touch enough with my more extroverted friends.)

As a wife, did I communicate enough to make sure my spouse and I were navigating things on the same page? Did I carve enough time out to stay connected with my spouse in an intimate way? Did I listen well enough to know if we were connected?

As a mom, did I spend enough true quality time with my child, savoring all of our extra time together well? Did we talk enough? Did we cherish our togetherness enough? Did we have enough of the right conversations so everyone felt heard and seen?

As an employee, did I do enough to earn my pay from home? Did I further my knowledge with enough extra trainings in technology to prepare me for a new future in teaching?

As an individual, did I sleep enough? Did I exercise enough? Did I take enough vitamins, brush and floss my teeth enough, drink enough water, etc.? Did I take care of myself enough? Did I rest enough, embracing this once in a lifetime opportunity to just be still and reflect and reprioritize?

As a writer, did I take advantage enough of all this time at home to write more?

As a Christian, did I pursue Christ enough during this time? Did I represent Him well enough to those around me to make them want more of Him? Did I exemplify and spread the gospel enough? Did I pray enough and for enough people and situations to even make a difference?

To most of those questions, I guess the answer is no, and should be no. I will never do enough or be enough unless I only focus on one area. But my life and my roles do not just encompass one specific area. I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, neighbor, teacher, employee, coworker, individual, citizen, neighbor, and friend. Better said, I am a Christian wife, mom, daughter, sister, neighbor, teacher, employee, coworker, writer, individual, citizen, neighbor, and friend. My number one goal is to seek Christ with everything in me, and then when I cannot ever be enough  or do enough in all my other roles, Christ fills in that gap and uses my insufficiency in abundant ways. (Thank you, Priscilla Shirer, for bringing a message to my church recently over this very subject.)

The last three months have been interesting to see people's true character come out. Everyone has processed this whole pandemic and social distancing differently, and different personality types struggled in completely different ways.

I'll admit, when I heard the order back in early March to stay at home as much as possible, I didn't have a single objection to it. My introverted personality already practices social distancing quite a bit, and screens are really the only reason people know me as much as they do today. Until I found the ability to blog, I rarely ever shared anything personal because in person and over the phone, the words just don't come. The ability to text over talking on a phone was one of the greatest inventions of all time in my world. I've always been a pretty private person. I don't say much in a group, but I have a lot to say if you let me hide behind a screen and type. I keep to my small group of intimate friends, and I don't venture out of it unless I am leading/teaching them in some way. I crave/desire/NEED alone time to recharge after being with a lot of people or even after spending time with someone who talks a lot. (Even one single ZOOM meeting or video chat is enough to drain my social energy for the day.) I thrive and can be incredibly productive in silence because my mind is free from interruption and my thoughts can flow freely.  I'm actually quite sociable with certain people, but I am very protective of my time and my need to spend large amounts of time alone.

So when a situation like the current one arises, I can thrive as an individual and find myself more productive and more fulfilled than ever.  I can write on a deeper level, read what truly interests me, connect with others in a written way, send cards, send texts, and spend a lot of time in prayer and Bible study. If you've asked for prayer, I can guarantee you that you've been prayed for very fervently during this extended time at home. 

But I've also had to accept that I'm not that friend who calls to check up on her peeps. I'm not that friend arranging a face time or zoom meeting to catch up. I'm not that friend driving by your house delivering groceries, gifts, meals, etc. I'm not that neighbor sharing goodies or checking up on you. I'm not that friend volunteering for any opportunity to help in the community. I'm not that friend suggesting to meet up somewhere because I just have to get out of the house and talk to someone. I'm not that friend that's just dying to visit with all her friends. I'm just not. And at times I've felt like I'm just not a good enough friend, neighbor, teacher, teammate, coworker, employee, wife, mom, daughter, or family member because of that.

But if I were, I wouldn't be me. If I spent extra time on the phone every day, that's time that my mind isn't at rest to work on a writing project or to send someone an encouraging text. That's time I'm not focused on self-care, reading up on something that interests me or will help me be a better me. That's time that I'm not studying up for a Bible study I'm going to lead or just growing closer to Christ by spending personal time with Him. It's time I'm not outside on my porch talking to God, praying for those that He puts on my heart. I'm not that friend that takes the time to just sit and talk when I'm supposed to be working because it's time that I'm trying to get my work done so I can spend more time with my family. I'm not that friend that has time to spare to socialize because if I'm engrossed in a certain task or project, it takes me a long time to get back into it after I've been interrupted for a few moments of socialization. 

My son has noticed after these last three months with me that it truly does take me a bit longer than normal to transition my focus from one thing to another. It takes me a while to process new information if I'm fully engrossed in one matter and suddenly asked to shift my train of thought. 

I've had to learn to accept that God made me the way He did for a purpose, and I will never be enough or do enough in all the roles I play. And that's okay.

Just as I've battled with the whole "I'll never be enough" issue, I got an e-mail from someone thanking me for the way I articulate things so well in writing and letting me know how much they appreciate my way of communicating with the written word. Then I got a text message from a friend saying how I always have a way of putting into writing exactly what she wants to say. And I got another message from a friend asking for prayer, stating, "You are honestly the strongest prayer warrior I know."

It was like God knew what I needed to hear. There are a lot of roles I'm not going to be able to fill with the personality God gave me. But there are other roles that I just fit right into naturally because of who I am and how my mind and personality operate. I'm never going to be that extra social friend that makes your phone ring all the time, fills your ear with words, or is physically there by your side. But I am going to be that quieter friend who loves you in a quieter, more distant, perhaps deeper way.  And that's okay. I am me, and as long as I continue pursuing Christ with everything in me and letting him mold me, that is enough because He is sufficiently enough to use me and all my "not-enough-ness" more abundantly than I could ever fathom, allowing me to fulfill the role He created me for.

If you're feeling like you're not enough or haven't done enough this last season, don't despair. As long as you are pursuing Christ over every other role in life, that is enough. He can and will do more through you than you may ever know. You can keep striving and pushing yourself past your limit to be someone you're not in order to be enough to everyone around you. Or you can just be still and let God use you best in the lives of all those people around you with the person He created you to be. (And while you're sitting in that stillness, you can color, too. :) It's a very soothing exercise.)