All things new

I thought starting out a new school year in the midst of an adoption process was hard. But I made it.

I thought starting out a new year in the midst of an adoption appeal, amidst all the anxiety and always keeping plans on hand for the possibility of being out for the next six to eight weeks while I traveled to Colombia was hard, but I made it.

I thought starting out a new school year while in the process of writing and publishing a book was hard, but I made it.

I thought starting out a new school year while in the middle of a new adoption process without the guarantee that it would be successful was hard, but I made it. 

I thought starting out a new year as a new adoptive parent of a teenage boy while also teaching a brand new class of four year olds (of which I had NO experience or preparation for) was hard, but I made it.

I thought starting out a new school year while the building was still under construction was hard, but I made it.

I thought starting out a new school year online was hard, but we did it. 

But starting out a new year teaching both online and in-person while still in the midst of a pandemic--that's a whole new level of hard. A mental and emotional hard that is very difficult to explain. 

Add to that the new grief/learning curve of having my baby gone to college, having to emerge from the last six months of blissful silence of teaching and working from the comfort of my front porch, saying goodbye to the dog we added to our family to take the place of a brother and sister that didn't come home eleven years ago, and watching the church you attended faithfully for twelve years close its doors to the Saturday night service your family always attended. It's a lot of loss and change to try to swallow and process and grieve and keep moving forward all at once. 

The first week back to school (after teaching online for a month) definitely kept everyone on our toes, as we had to make minute by minute decisions as to what worked and didn't work, what kept our kids safe and what didn't, what teaching techniques felt successful and which ones didn't. Everyone supported everyone, the kids listened and tried hard to please you on both sides of the screen, and you could tell everyone was just happy to feel a new sense of structure taking shape. 

The second week back held a lot of trial and error as to how to keep kids engaged both at school and at home, figuring out how to balance this new normal, and getting both sides into a solid routine, knowing every day holds the risk of exposure to COVID that might send you home to quarantine for two weeks or to nurse yourself back to health. Living with that anxiety alone is probably the hardest part of it all. 

The third week back felt long, as the expectations of what you're supposed to be teaching and the reality of what's really happening in the classroom started to collide. The COVID slide/cliff is real and can't be ignored. The gaps are bigger, the kids are far more out of practice, and they are restless, desperate for this virus to go away so they can get back to playing and socializing like they're supposed to. For me, my kids got comfortable this week and seemed to need constant reminders to social distance, to stay in their seat where there is a plastic barricade for their own protection, to sanitize their hands after touching something that someone else touched. 

And that rigor we're supposed to be teaching with? Ha. Academics have taken a big step back in my classroom as I shifted my focus to teaching self-sufficiency and independence. "This is our daily routine, boys and girls, and these are the activities we do every single day in the same order." Before we can focus on any kind of response to reading, we have to focus on actually reading. Back to repeating and reading high frequency word lists, simple syllable flashcards, etc. And number sense? We can't even begin to work with four digit numbers when we still don't understand two digit numbers. It's gonna be one of those years where we have to back up quite a bit here at the beginning to set a solid foundation before we can build on it. And it's more than obvious that these kids haven't had to sit in a classroom for half a year. We ALL got used to the comforts of home without strict restroom and eating schedules/limits and are having a hard time having to work from a hard desk and chair all day. It's hard for the kids in class to see the online kids "come to class" with a snack or sit comfortably on a couch or bed, while it's hard for the online kids to see the kids in class be able to see and socialize with each other.

I must admit, this week was hard, and I started out a rather weepy mess, driving to school in tears the first few days. I missed my boy, the reality of the losses at church hit me hard, my house felt different and empty without our dog, and I felt this guilt about letting him go, even though I knew it was the most compassionate choice due to his multiple health issues. I got to school on Monday and had minor interruptions seem to break my concentration and focus all day long. No matter what I did, I couldn't keep everyone happy, I couldn't keep every student engaged, and I couldn't meet every expectation put over me- at school, at home, and especially outside of school and home. I felt like I just might scream or fall apart if one more person reminded me that I let them down or disappointed them in some way (not just in school) or just didn't do something correctly. I needed encouragement, so I specifically prayed for it every day. 

And then the librarian let me know that my class behaved better than any class all year so far.

The SPED inclusion teacher told me how much she loved my class.

My assistant principal had a dance party with my kids during indoor recess and told me what a great group they are.

My little girls complemented me on my hair, my pretty bows, my earrings that I rarely wear, my shirt that I pulled out for the first time since the temps started lowering, and my purple mask that matched the purple in my shirt.

My kids told me they love our 30 minute independent writing time most out of everything we do, those 30 minutes after lunch when I put on calming music and we just all sit and write. For this writer who loves teaching writing more than anything, having a class that loves it as much as I do is a HUGE blessing, compliment, and encouragement.

My husband had a delicious dinner waiting for me every single night, along with a clean kitchen. 

I reached 500 miles on my bike since COVID started, 500 miles of exercise and mental retreat I didn't used to give myself. 

God even prompted me one evening to get out my binder full of Scripture verses that I've colored and just sit and read them aloud. Each one encouraged me, uplifted me, soothed my heart, and affirmed me.

Though I started out a weepy mess this week, God reminded me that He sees me and hears me and walks beside me. He reminded me that I'm exactly where He wants me doing exactly what He called me and equipped me to do. There are many parts to teaching virtually that I actually really enjoy, such as prerecording lessons and letting kids watch them and learn at their own pace, in their own way. I've enjoyed watching my kids become more self-sufficient and self-directed, helping them realize all the resources they can choose to tap into, giving them options of how they present their work--on a digitized worksheet they did on the computer, using tools on the computer to draw or type in various colors, working on a dry erase board as their scratch paper, working in their journals and then taking pictures to upload to their online journal. I enjoy a near paperless classroom and the ability to pull out my phone or ipad to check up on their progress or make comments on their work at any time. I enjoy the daily check in from an online student who leaves me daily audio comments on how his day is going and how much he enjoys his schoolwork. I love hearing my kids on both sides of the screen tell me how happy they are every day to be "in school". 

I remember a quote from Mary DeMuth from my online Bible study this summer that fits well right now. Grief and joy hold hands. I'm in the midst of a lot of loss and change right now, but I'm also finding a lot of joy in all the newness around me. Change is hard, but it's also good and sometimes quite needed. As I look at the pictures my kids upload of their work and I see those masks on their faces in the picture, I can't help but tear up. I should see a smile on their face instead of a mask. I should be hugging them instead of constantly stepping back a little bit further. But then I see them hard at work, each in their own little way, and I smile behind my own mask, knowing that God is definitely making all things new. Beauty will emerge when we can one day take these masks off, smile, and huddle together again, and we will be thankful for all that we learned through it. 

I stopped praying for protection from COVID every day and started praying for protection THROUGH it. Through this season, He's still in control and still by my side. 

Coming out of the quiet place

I started July with a prompting from the Holy Spirit to make it a month of R.E.S.T.

A month to:

• Refuel/Refill my cup
• Expect to see God
• Soak up God's presence
• Trust God's sovereignty and control

Upon asking God to refill my cup, several virtual opportunities popped up that let me know He heard my request and had just the "fuel" that I needed at this particular time.

Let's just say that I soaked every one of them up, and I've got journals filled with pages and pages of notes to review (I learn and process information best by writing it down).

A two-day cross-cultural ministry course led by a missionary that mentored me as an intern in Mexico over 20 years ago. Though I only spent two short months in Mexico that year, the experience living with, working under, and learning from him and his wife still impact me today. As I listened to those in attendance (mostly missionaries and church leaders), I was once again reminded of all the cross-cultural aspects of my life that God prepared me for and continues to equip me for today. In my workplace, in my classroom, in online relationships, in ministry, and in my own home.

A full-day conference for teachers of faith called Teacher, Be Still, where each speaker reminded me that God will be with me every step of the way throughout this school year, reminding me that He is IN me. He commands me to be salt, to stay salty in my workplace. But I have a responsibility to stay plugged in, to start each day with Jesus, in order to not lose my ability to add flavor. My school is my mission field, but if I don't have a constant source to draw from to refuel, I will become useless in that mission field, as well as in all other areas of my life. Cutting off access to salt has a detrimental effect on all of society. I have two choices this year: Believe the worry and the fear OR accept the call to the front line and trust that God is on the front line with me. I can see all that's broken around me, or I can choose to see the beauty in that brokenness. It's there. I just have to look for it. 

I transferred all my notes directly to my Teacher Planner so I have them with me whenever I need them. 

A weekend conference with Priscilla Shirer and her sister called Desperate for Jesus.  Several speakers presented, but the one that stood out to me the most was Katherine Wolf, speaking about how to still praise God in suffering, reminding us that even when all seems lost, we have to find gratitude for what IS left, pick up those pieces, and build a new life that may not look anything like the old, but it can still be beautiful. (Sure sounds a lot like the school year ahead!) We can change our attitude and shift our perspective when we realize that God chose us for hard things because HE IS ABLE. We can ask God questions without questioning God or His character. Perhaps the treasure He allows us to find in the darkness is a treasure that someone else needs, and He chose US to carry that treasure to them. 

In addition to those three virtual conferences, I also got to spend the entire month of July digging deep into Scripture through a study called Into the Light and then meet virtually with a small group of women to discuss what God has been teaching us through it. I finished up a four week study on Facebook Live with my pastor's wife about how God wants us to FLOURISH in all areas of our life. I read several marriage books that had been recommended to me earlier in the year, I spent time coloring and meditating on the Psalms, and I prayed tons of Scripture over my husband and my sons every morning. I got to spend nearly every single morning outside on my front porch just soaking up God's presence, the part of summer that's always the hardest to let go when school resumes.

That's me and my mom sitting in the back row for the taping!

I love all the ways God continues to refuel me and the ways I can physically recharge in the summers. Even Jesus modeled that need to me, for both physical and spiritual renewal/connection with God.

Luke 5:16 CEV

But Jesus would often go to some place where he could be alone and pray.

Mark 6:31-32 CEV But so many people were coming and going that Jesus and the apostles did not even have a chance to eat. Then Jesus said, "Let's go to a place where we can be alone and get some rest." They left in a boat for a place where they could be alone.

Mark 1:35--Very early the next morning, Jesus got up and went to a place where he could be alone and pray.

Luke 6:12--About that time Jesus went off to a mountain to pray, and he spent the whole night there.

Matthew 14:13a--After Jesus heard about John, he crossed Lake Galilee to go to some place where he could be alone.

Matthew 14:23--Then he went up on a mountain where he could be alone and pray. Later that evening, he was still there.

Mark 6:46-47a--Then he told them goodbye and went up on the side of a mountain to pray. Later that evening, he was still there by himself....

Jesus loved people. Dearly. He became one of them, lived life with them, and ultimately laid down his life for them. But he knew there were times that he needed to retreat to the quiet place.

As my pastor put it in a short devotional one morning this week, sometimes God instructs us to stay put so that we can receive the power we need to move forward. To go back out into the world. Personally, I'm pretty good at retreating to the quiet places. I thrive in silence. My thoughts gain clarity and my creativity comes to life when I spend time alone. I would much rather prefer attending a virtual conference from my front porch or living room than attend a large gathering, surrounded by people on all sides with no chance to really connect with my thoughts, constantly having to make small talk and mingle during short breaks. But God didn't create us for a virtual world, whether there's an invisible contagion out there or not. He created us for community, and he commands us to be salt and light in the world. As much as I would love to, I can't stay in my quiet bubble forever. There's purpose outside of me for this time of renewal inside of me.

These conferences were just what I needed, reminding me of God's purpose for me, equipping me spiritually and empowering me to go back out into the workplace with a supernatural courage and energy. This school year looks to be the most challenging one yet. I'm so thankful for the much needed break so that I can head to the front line with all the power I need to stay salty, no matter what comes my way.

Here we are again

Or are we? I don't know that there's any again to where we are today.

This week marks the last full week of summer break. My last week of summer before I embark upon my 18th year of teaching bilingual students at Bullock Elementary. If this coming year held any bit of resemblance to my last seventeen years, I would have already been in to my classroom, quietly and slowly getting things organized and set up. I can think best when no one is around and the building is silent, so I always find a way to get in to the building at least a week early, if not two weeks, to get my classroom ready. Then when everyone gets there the following week, I can feel free to socialize with anyone who comes by or I can get started on plans, activities, and copies for the first week of classes.

I would have a notebook already filled with notes about how I wanted my classroom to look, creative ideas about how to manage things a little differently, something new I want to try out, etc. I also would have made a few small purchases for my classroom, likely at garage sales, the Dollar Tree, and Big Lots. And perhaps I would have a few digital documents saved and ready to go for the year.

On the home front, now is about the time I might start to panic over losing my last bit of free time and control over my schedule. Is there anything around the house that still needs attention that I haven't gotten around to? Any last minute appointments I need to make? Any friends or family members that I want to try to get together with for a quick lunch break?  Any last fun outting I want to attempt to squeeze in with my boys?

But this year looks a bit different than most years. Okay, different than any year ever.

No one is allowed in the building, so there's no early classroom preparation. In fact, though staff development starts a week from tomorrow, we haven't even gotten confirmation regarding how and where that week of staff development will actually take place. When classes start the following Monday, they will be 100% virtual for at least the first four weeks. Teaching rules and procedures won't look anything like it has in the past. Rather than practicing how we line up and enter/exit the classroom, beginning procedures will be about how to properly access digital assignments and lessons, how and when to mute the microphone during virtual meetings, and finding ways to become a community over a screen. Once the kids do actually come back to the classroom, there will be a whole new set of procedures and routines to teach, mostly regarding safety and teaching what this new way of COVID learning looks like. We'll be wearing masks and face shields, we'll sit far apart rather than in groups and clusters, we'll each have our own materials stored at our desk rather than the community way we've done for years. Who knows how long we'll have to go without using any playground equipment, share manipulatives, sit on the rug together, or have buddy-reading time on the beanbags. Everything about school will be foreign to all of us. Everything that my students tell me they love about my classroom and the way I teach and manage things won't even exist, well, except for the way I tenderly love each of them. Community won't look anything like we've seen before. Yes, we'll build it. It's just going to look and seem pretty foreign for awhile. Kinda feels like I'll be dropped off in another country again to learn a whole new culture all over again--except this time they're aren't any natives to learn from because we're having to build this new culture one day at a time. Though I don't know how many students will actually be back in the classroom (since they had the option of choosing remote learning for the whole year), I do look forward to the ones that do come back because this group of students was my very last group to teach in Pre-K, so it will be my second opportunity to teach many of them.

So, my bank account is a little fuller, as I  haven't purchased a single thing for my classroom other than a few new colored pens (an attempt to at least get into the school spirit). My "school" notebook isn't filled with new ideas or classroom set up plans this year. Instead it's filled with notes from trainings about teaching in the digital world and working with kids from trauma (as I'm sure we're going to find out just how traumatic this experience can be on a seven-year-old). I haven't created a whole lot of digital files, though, until I get trained on the new digital platform our district will be using this school year.

I did fill my teacher planner with a ton of positive notes, survival strategies, and Scripture verses that I scrambled to write while attending a virtual teacher conference geared toward Christian teachers called Teacher, Be Still. God knew how much I'd need that conference to empower me for the year ahead. Since my planner goes everywhere with me during school, I'll have those notes of encouragement whenever I need them. Reminders that my school is the mission field God sent me to and equipped me for seventeen years ago. Reminders that the safest place to be is in the center of God's will.

On the home front, that looks quite different, as well. Instead of family outtings and adventures, we've turned to bike rides, outdoor coffee dates, and Netflix. All. summer. long. We haven't gone on trips, I still refuse to visit with people indoors, and darn it, those dentist appointments just didn't happen (I hate going to the dentist!). I can't say I've gotten anything accomplished in the house because we're just all there all the time, so it's stayed a constant mess most weeks. Juan and I thought about painting the cabinets in the kitchen, but we just never got around to it. Home has rather been our safe haven, and without the "luxury" of being able to freely invite people in, no one on the outside had to see the mess, anyway. Lol.

I've soaked up every minute of time I could/can with David before he leaves for college in just a few weeks (so far, that hasn't changed). Life really won't ever look the same again, and I am sure his absence will hit me hard. I didn't even get any preparation/practice time to let him go (like sending him to camp in Colorado or to Africa for two weeks on a mission trip). I wonder how many bike rides and outdoor coffee/lunch dates I can convince him to go on with me over the next week. :)

It's going to be a whole new way of life ahead in so many ways. No matter how I try to imagine it, it's all still just too surreal to take it all in.

Am I enough?

This last season of life has brought about a critical question that constantly begs to be answered. Am I enough?

As a responsible citizen, did I do enough during this crisis to make a difference? Did I listen to the right people enough of the time? Did I wear a mask enough? Wash my hands enough? Protect the people I love enough? Follow the rules enough? Disregard the media enough? Respect others opinions enough?

As a good neighbor (or family member), did I reach out enough to those who are hurting, lonely, or needy? Did I call enough to let people know someone cared?

As a teacher, did I contact that parent or student enough to keep them from falling behind? Did I focus enough on my students' personal needs over their academic needs? Did I love them enough? Did I spend enough time on my lessons to make them understandable?

As a friend, did I keep in touch enough? (As an introvert, I can already tell you the answer to that question. I will never keep in touch enough with my more extroverted friends.)

As a wife, did I communicate enough to make sure my spouse and I were navigating things on the same page? Did I carve enough time out to stay connected with my spouse in an intimate way? Did I listen well enough to know if we were connected?

As a mom, did I spend enough true quality time with my child, savoring all of our extra time together well? Did we talk enough? Did we cherish our togetherness enough? Did we have enough of the right conversations so everyone felt heard and seen?

As an employee, did I do enough to earn my pay from home? Did I further my knowledge with enough extra trainings in technology to prepare me for a new future in teaching?

As an individual, did I sleep enough? Did I exercise enough? Did I take enough vitamins, brush and floss my teeth enough, drink enough water, etc.? Did I take care of myself enough? Did I rest enough, embracing this once in a lifetime opportunity to just be still and reflect and reprioritize?

As a writer, did I take advantage enough of all this time at home to write more?

As a Christian, did I pursue Christ enough during this time? Did I represent Him well enough to those around me to make them want more of Him? Did I exemplify and spread the gospel enough? Did I pray enough and for enough people and situations to even make a difference?

To most of those questions, I guess the answer is no, and should be no. I will never do enough or be enough unless I only focus on one area. But my life and my roles do not just encompass one specific area. I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, neighbor, teacher, employee, coworker, individual, citizen, neighbor, and friend. Better said, I am a Christian wife, mom, daughter, sister, neighbor, teacher, employee, coworker, writer, individual, citizen, neighbor, and friend. My number one goal is to seek Christ with everything in me, and then when I cannot ever be enough  or do enough in all my other roles, Christ fills in that gap and uses my insufficiency in abundant ways. (Thank you, Priscilla Shirer, for bringing a message to my church recently over this very subject.)

The last three months have been interesting to see people's true character come out. Everyone has processed this whole pandemic and social distancing differently, and different personality types struggled in completely different ways.

I'll admit, when I heard the order back in early March to stay at home as much as possible, I didn't have a single objection to it. My introverted personality already practices social distancing quite a bit, and screens are really the only reason people know me as much as they do today. Until I found the ability to blog, I rarely ever shared anything personal because in person and over the phone, the words just don't come. The ability to text over talking on a phone was one of the greatest inventions of all time in my world. I've always been a pretty private person. I don't say much in a group, but I have a lot to say if you let me hide behind a screen and type. I keep to my small group of intimate friends, and I don't venture out of it unless I am leading/teaching them in some way. I crave/desire/NEED alone time to recharge after being with a lot of people or even after spending time with someone who talks a lot. (Even one single ZOOM meeting or video chat is enough to drain my social energy for the day.) I thrive and can be incredibly productive in silence because my mind is free from interruption and my thoughts can flow freely.  I'm actually quite sociable with certain people, but I am very protective of my time and my need to spend large amounts of time alone.

So when a situation like the current one arises, I can thrive as an individual and find myself more productive and more fulfilled than ever.  I can write on a deeper level, read what truly interests me, connect with others in a written way, send cards, send texts, and spend a lot of time in prayer and Bible study. If you've asked for prayer, I can guarantee you that you've been prayed for very fervently during this extended time at home. 

But I've also had to accept that I'm not that friend who calls to check up on her peeps. I'm not that friend arranging a face time or zoom meeting to catch up. I'm not that friend driving by your house delivering groceries, gifts, meals, etc. I'm not that neighbor sharing goodies or checking up on you. I'm not that friend volunteering for any opportunity to help in the community. I'm not that friend suggesting to meet up somewhere because I just have to get out of the house and talk to someone. I'm not that friend that's just dying to visit with all her friends. I'm just not. And at times I've felt like I'm just not a good enough friend, neighbor, teacher, teammate, coworker, employee, wife, mom, daughter, or family member because of that.

But if I were, I wouldn't be me. If I spent extra time on the phone every day, that's time that my mind isn't at rest to work on a writing project or to send someone an encouraging text. That's time I'm not focused on self-care, reading up on something that interests me or will help me be a better me. That's time that I'm not studying up for a Bible study I'm going to lead or just growing closer to Christ by spending personal time with Him. It's time I'm not outside on my porch talking to God, praying for those that He puts on my heart. I'm not that friend that takes the time to just sit and talk when I'm supposed to be working because it's time that I'm trying to get my work done so I can spend more time with my family. I'm not that friend that has time to spare to socialize because if I'm engrossed in a certain task or project, it takes me a long time to get back into it after I've been interrupted for a few moments of socialization. 

My son has noticed after these last three months with me that it truly does take me a bit longer than normal to transition my focus from one thing to another. It takes me a while to process new information if I'm fully engrossed in one matter and suddenly asked to shift my train of thought. 

I've had to learn to accept that God made me the way He did for a purpose, and I will never be enough or do enough in all the roles I play. And that's okay.

Just as I've battled with the whole "I'll never be enough" issue, I got an e-mail from someone thanking me for the way I articulate things so well in writing and letting me know how much they appreciate my way of communicating with the written word. Then I got a text message from a friend saying how I always have a way of putting into writing exactly what she wants to say. And I got another message from a friend asking for prayer, stating, "You are honestly the strongest prayer warrior I know."

It was like God knew what I needed to hear. There are a lot of roles I'm not going to be able to fill with the personality God gave me. But there are other roles that I just fit right into naturally because of who I am and how my mind and personality operate. I'm never going to be that extra social friend that makes your phone ring all the time, fills your ear with words, or is physically there by your side. But I am going to be that quieter friend who loves you in a quieter, more distant, perhaps deeper way.  And that's okay. I am me, and as long as I continue pursuing Christ with everything in me and letting him mold me, that is enough because He is sufficiently enough to use me and all my "not-enough-ness" more abundantly than I could ever fathom, allowing me to fulfill the role He created me for.

If you're feeling like you're not enough or haven't done enough this last season, don't despair. As long as you are pursuing Christ over every other role in life, that is enough. He can and will do more through you than you may ever know. You can keep striving and pushing yourself past your limit to be someone you're not in order to be enough to everyone around you. Or you can just be still and let God use you best in the lives of all those people around you with the person He created you to be. (And while you're sitting in that stillness, you can color, too. :) It's a very soothing exercise.)