How did I get here?

Have you ever woken up and wondered where you were and how you got there? I've been feeling that way for about five months now, with a deep longing for a sense of home that doesn't exist. 

When Mike's dad died and he spent three full weeks with his family, his longing to move back to Indiana and be with them was just the start of home no longer feeling like home. I could sense a joy within him (despite the loss of his dad) that I hadn't seen in a long time when he was with his family, and though he came home in January with a bunch of his dad's tools, clothes, and belongings, I could tell he wasn't "at home" anymore. 

Once I experienced New Song over spring break, the serenity and beauty of the campus and the ministry began to beckon me "home", though the thought of leaving Texas, my boys, and my family left me torn. But soon that beckoning call for both of us had us cleaning up a house we no longer felt at home in and putting it on the market for a few days before it sold. Once your house is on the market, it's just not home anymore, anyway. 

And somehow in those few days of already feeling displaced in my own house, I found myself waking up two consecutive mornings in a hospital because my own little cat bit me when I tried to rescue him from a freak accident. Little did I know that was just the start of a long stretch of waking up wondering where I was and how I got there. 

Since that short hospital stay, I've woken up on the floor in my son's bedroom in Garland, TX the morning of the day we finally moved out of the house, in a hotel room in Hope, Arkansas the next morning (with two terrified little cats), on a cot in my brother-in-law's basement in Columbus, Indiana (with my mother-in-law on a cot beside me), in a camper sitting outside his house the following morning, in the same camper sitting on New Song's campus in Freeport, IN for the next few weeks until the AC broke, in a large room/suite at the main campus house at New Song (right above my new classroom) for the next month or so, back in the camper again in Columbus, IN on a large piece of wooded property sitting behind an old house that needed extensive work inside with a large campfire to the side burning brush and trash non-stop for weeks, then in the living room inside that old house (because of below freezing temps outside) without a working kitchen or furnace, but with two fireplace heaters keeping it nice and cozy inside, and suddenly in a spare bedroom at my friend's house back in Texas for the last week and two more ahead, while taking care of my very independent son's every need as he spends most of his time in a bedroom down the hall here at my friend's house. 

Cleaning up and clearing the side yard, which used to be an overgrown horse pasture

The top of the property 

The construction crew, always hard at work, working amazingly well together

So thankful for all of them and their skills

(My home away from "home" in my classroom at New Song. 

I mean, how could I not feel at home there? I am truly grateful to be there.)

So, yes, many mornings I wake up and wonder where I am and how in the world did I get here? I've been displaced since early June, and as much as I long to just go home already, home does not yet exist. (I feel the most at home when I am at work at New Song, which has felt like home since the moment I got there.) Mike and his brother are working as much as they can to remodel the old house we bought and clean up the 10 acre lot of land that had been neglected for quite awhile, so the feeling of home seems closer every day. But until I can hang my clothes in a closet, set my books on a bookshelf, hang a few pictures on the wall, and cook on my stove, I still don't feel like I'm home. And as thankful as I am to stay with a friend during my son's unexpected recovery and need for 24 hour assistance and reconnect with friends and family that come to visit, I long for home where I am in my own space and on my own schedule. But like I said, as much as I long for it, it doesn't yet fully exist. 

Boots looking out the new window Mike just installed last night. 

Making "home" one step closer.

So here I am, "home" with friends that are like family, with more family and friends just down the road, and my husband, my kitties, my New Song family, and the rest of my family (and a few new friends) a thousand miles away. Every time I think home is just around the corner, God uproots me again. It's a strange journey He has me on, perhaps a reminder that we're not supposed to be at home here in this world, that we should constantly be longing for our home with Him. 

No matter where I am, home or not, my physical needs are always met. Having just sent the ladies from the Mom's retreat out on a prayer walk to get to know Jehovah Ra'ah more personally, I think my Shepherd is calling me to lean into Him more, as well. Not being at home definitely makes us more dependent on someone else to take care of us. I spent last Saturday morning walking around New Song's campus praying these actual prayers, along with prayers for the ladies who would be praying them a few hours later. All while my son rode the trails in McKinney, Texas, not knowing the accident just about to happen. Even still, God was preparing me to know I could trust Him to take care of our every need, just as He has. At this point, I have no idea what the doctor is going to say or do at his next appointment, nor do I know how to best transport David back to Indiana with me if that's our best option, but God has a plan that He will unfold when I need to make that decision.

Looks like it's time for another walk. Want to join me this time?

A walk with Jehovah Ra'ah

Psalm 23:1. The Lord is my shepherd; 
    I have all that I need. 

Jehovah Ra’ah, thank you for being my Shepherd, for always guiding me when I don’t know what to do or where to turn. Thank you for providing for my needs in ways that I don’t ever expect or even deserve. Thank you for even providing things that I just want and maybe don’t always need. Thank you for:   ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thank you for guiding and taking care of my family, especially my children. Thank you for providing for our physical needs, our financial needs, our emotional needs, and today for my spiritual need. Please help me to remember David caring for the needs of each one of his sheep to remind me that You are caring for me in the same way.  

 

Psalm 23:2 He lets me rest in green meadows; 
    he leads me beside peaceful streams. 

Jehovah Ra'ah, thank you for bringing me to green meadows today, for giving me a few moments of rest and rejuvenation. When times are hard, may I not forget the times I have seen you provide. Help me to start recording all I am thankful for so that I see that the grass is green on my side, too, especially when You are on my side. Thank you for:   ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thank you for leading me to peaceful waters here at New Song today, for letting me have a few moments to soak in the quiet tranquility of this environment. Help me to look for other moments of stillness in my life and to thank You for them.

  

Psalm 23:3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, 
    bringing honor to his name. 

Jehovah Ra’ah, thank you for times of peace and tranquility to recharge and renew my strength. When I keep pushing through exhaustion, I can’t think clearly and don’t always make the wisest of decisions or produce the best work that I can. Thank you for this special time today to fill up spiritually. Thank you for guiding me down the right path when I often don’t know which path to take. Thank you for guiding me here today. Thank you for helping me make important decisions in life. Every decision comes with good and bad, but when I follow Your guidance, I know that my choice will possibly help point someone to You. Leading someone closer to You makes the hardship I am going through worth the struggle. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Help me to honor You, even on a difficult path that I may wish I wasn’t on. 

 

Psalm 23:4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.  

Jehovah Ra’ah, you know I’ve got some struggles in my life right now. I’m walking down some dark roads and am searching for the light. It seems like I go from one dark valley straight into another one, like the time when:  ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I tend to be fearful, to worry, and to panic when things are dark. Help me to envision you, my Shepherd, walking with me, guiding me through it. Your rod is there to help You protect me, to fight off the enemy coming toward me. Your staff is there to pull me back toward you when I start to go the wrong way because I can’t see ahead like You can. The next time I feel overwhelmed because I can’t see the light, remind me to picture You walking right beside me with both Your rod and Your staff in Your hand.  

Psalm 23:5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. 
You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 

Jehovah Ra’ah, even in the valley, You prepare a feast and invite me to dine with You. You spend time with me at the table and make the enemy watch. You make it known that I am your daughter and that You are taking care of me. Every time I sit at the table to eat with my family, help me to remember that You are sitting there with us and that You provided everything we needed for that meal together.   

You anoint my head with oil. You show me honor and set me apart for a divine purpose. As the oil pours over me, my cup runs over. Your constant care and protection of me is so abundant that it spills out onto those around me, including my children and family.   

 

Psalm 23:6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. 

Jehovah Ra’ah, when I make the decision to look for You in my life, I find You everywhere. Your lovingkindness doesn’t just follow me, it chases after me. Sometimes I just get so busy that I forget to look, and I miss the ways You tried to show Your love to me. Please open my eyes today and every day to see the ways that You demonstrate love to me.   

I know I will meet You in heaven if I have accepted You as my Savior so I can dwell with You in Your house forever. But I also know that the beautiful nature all around me speaks of Your creativity. Every time I see a pretty flower, a peaceful sunset, or hear a bird sing a beautiful tune, remind me that You created this earthly house for me to dwell in with You until the day You take me to heaven. The earth is Yours and everything in it. Your creation speaks constantly of Your presence right here, right now. 

Time of gratitude, reflection, and supplication 

Jehovah Ra’ah, thank You for all the ways that You guide me. Thank you for providing for my needs, for blessing me, for giving me times of rest and refreshment, for helping me choose the right path, for using my experiences to draw others to You, for walking beside me and protecting me from harm, for drawing me back when I go the wrong way.  Thank you for dining with me, Your daughter, for honoring me, and for pouring out so much love on me that it touches everyone around me, too. Thank you for Your constant displays of lovingkindness that are always there if I just take the time to look for them.  

 I once again entrust my burdens into Your care and trust You to carry them for me.   

Thank you for allowing me to spend some time with You today outside in your beautiful creation, a time for You to remind me just how much You love me and take care of me every single day.  

24 hours later

All the prayer walk stations were marked with a pumpkin

The hot chocolate/cider bar (and was that cider good!)

Craft time

Cooking demonstration time

Parenting tips time

More craft time

Dinner prep

Our giveaways

Finished crafts

The Mom's Retreat was beautiful. Each woman felt deeply loved and ministered to in so many ways, including us, the two leading the retreat, and the volunteer mentor who drove some of the ladies and came to help. Those ladies came with a heart to love and be loved that also ministered to us in a very real way. We hope that retreat was just the first of many that we can host at New Song and expand the ministry's impact on the whole family, not just the kids that come to us. I wish we could have come back on Monday morning and celebrated together, but....

24 hours after my last post, I found myself on my way to the airport to take a one-way flight back to Dallas to take care of my son. Only minutes before I got up to give the devotional about praying Scriptures when we don't know how or what to pray, and then sending the ladies out on a prayer walk  with Jehovah Ra'ah around our beautiful, peaceful campus while praying Psalm 23 over their lives, my son, David, flew over the handlebars of his mountain bike back in Texas and broke both of his forearms and dislocated both of his wrists. An ambulance took him to the nearest hospital, where they took him into surgery pretty quickly to put plates in both of his arms and pins in both of his wrists. I didn't get to hear at all from David before they took him into surgery, but Mike and I kept getting calls and texts from his friends or our friends whose kids are his friends telling us what to expect when he came out of surgery. He would NOT be able to go back to school for the rest of the semester.  

Almost identical breaks in both arms. Not something they see often. 

I contacted Juan and had him head straight to the hospital so he'd have family there, then my closest friend whose daughter also headed there quickly, and I contacted our old Life Group to let them know David was headed straight into a 3-5 hour surgery. (I also called my parents to let them know so they could pray and contact the rest of the family.) A friend in the Life Group read my text and headed to the hospital immediately, joining David's friend from DBU and a church friend that showed up. Later Juan arrived, then two more college friends that also grew up with him at Lake Pointe Church, and then his youth pastor from Lake Pointe (now the campus pastor). When he arrived, he said it felt like the whole gang was back together. By the time David came out of surgery and recovery (after 8:00 that night), he had a whole team of support waiting there to see him and encourage him. David later told me, without his church family, he would have woken up to two people, the friend that was riding bike with him and his brother. (The rest of my family in town was able to make it the following day.)

The gang waiting for him when he woke up. 

My friend who went straight to the hospital 

and stayed the whole time until I could get there (also the one who is letting us stay in her house). 

Together with my boys again

The Kloppmann gang coming to visit on Sunday

As David was in surgery, Juan and my two friends kept texting me saying how much care he was going to need to take care of all of his basic needs. I knew I needed to get to Dallas as soon as possible. So Mike booked me a ticket to leave first thing the next morning, and I arranged for Juan to pick me up. Juan also ended up staying the night with David in the hospital to help him out. My friend who stayed through the surgery and recovery time that night showed back up at 8:00 the next morning to be there with David while Juan left to pick me up, and then she filled me in on everything she learned from the doctors the night before. After she left, David had two more friends come to visit, along with his grandparents, aunt, uncle (who's had his own share of biking accidents and injuries), and cousins. Shortly after they all left, they discharged David to leave with the support of family rather than send him to rehab for a few days.  

Basically, he can't take care of ANY of his needs on his own for the next ten weeks. To ask a friend or family member to take care of him is a huge burden. But to get him back to Indiana with me is just as complicated. The surgeon said he can't fly for at least two weeks, and truthfully, he can't fit into an airplane seat anyway with two broken arms splinted from his finger tips to above his elbows. A thirteen hour drive would be too much stress and jostling around, not good at all for healing, either. Plus he needs to go back for a follow up with the surgeon on November 8th and can't go anywhere before that. But neither my parents nor my brother's houses are equipped to support me and David together, or even just David. And I, obviously, no longer have a home here. 

Thankfully, my friend who spent the most time at the hospital with me offered us a place to stay at her home, and we have been equipped with all we need--and are as comfortable as can be expected. We're situated pretty much right in the middle between my parents and my brother, too, so that's nice to know they're so close. Friends and family have already stopped by to visit, with more saying they'll be coming soon. 

His old youth pastor came and brought breakfast and prayed over him. He's been one of David's mentors/heroes since he was in sixth grade and is now the campus pastor. The relationship he built with David over the years is priceless. In fact, he's the one who introduced us to DBU!

David's nurse that gave him allergy shots twice a week when he was four all the way till he was nine. We've stayed close to her all these years, and she didn't hesitate at all to come see him once she heard the news. She said she'll be back to visit again. :)

A buddy from youth group that he's stayed close to in college

An Ecuadorian friend I used to be in a small group who I met when the first adoption failed

She brought us a whole Chinese buffet, so much that I invited Juan to come eat with us again the following night. 

A gallon of sweet tea his friend brought from where he works.

Our old small group, well, at least the ladies of that small group

So, while we figure out how to keep the pain managed and keep him comfortable, and communicate back and forth with DBU to find out how to not lose all the work he already put into this semester, we're staying put for a couple weeks to see how this is all going to play out. God's definitely not surprised and knew this was coming, and we can already see how he prepared ways to provide for us way ahead of time. Including the fact that He hasn't provided the houseparents at New Song that we prayed so specifically for them to come before October 17th. Between sickness hitting the campus that week and then this with David, now we can see why God didn't think it was time for our students to come on campus yet. I'm so thankful for the flexibility right now to be able to care for my son and not have to hire someone else to do what a Mom can do better. My days now are spent caring for his every need, including bathing, feeding, medicating, brushing his hair and teeth, scratching his itches, and even giving him shots. I rotate ice packs, situate pillows, answer his texts, e-mails, and phone calls, and just hang out 24/7 with my son, who has been an amazing trooper through all of this so far. It's giving us a lot of time to just talk, and for that, I'm thankful because I sure have missed him. I'm tired, but I wouldn't trade this time and this blessing to be able to be there for him.