Have you ever woken up and wondered where you were and how you got there? I've been feeling that way for about five months now, with a deep longing for a sense of home that doesn't exist.
When Mike's dad died and he spent three full weeks with his family, his longing to move back to Indiana and be with them was just the start of home no longer feeling like home. I could sense a joy within him (despite the loss of his dad) that I hadn't seen in a long time when he was with his family, and though he came home in January with a bunch of his dad's tools, clothes, and belongings, I could tell he wasn't "at home" anymore.
Once I experienced New Song over spring break, the serenity and beauty of the campus and the ministry began to beckon me "home", though the thought of leaving Texas, my boys, and my family left me torn. But soon that beckoning call for both of us had us cleaning up a house we no longer felt at home in and putting it on the market for a few days before it sold. Once your house is on the market, it's just not home anymore, anyway.
And somehow in those few days of already feeling displaced in my own house, I found myself waking up two consecutive mornings in a hospital because my own little cat bit me when I tried to rescue him from a freak accident. Little did I know that was just the start of a long stretch of waking up wondering where I was and how I got there.
Since that short hospital stay, I've woken up on the floor in my son's bedroom in Garland, TX the morning of the day we finally moved out of the house, in a hotel room in Hope, Arkansas the next morning (with two terrified little cats), on a cot in my brother-in-law's basement in Columbus, Indiana (with my mother-in-law on a cot beside me), in a camper sitting outside his house the following morning, in the same camper sitting on New Song's campus in Freeport, IN for the next few weeks until the AC broke, in a large room/suite at the main campus house at New Song (right above my new classroom) for the next month or so, back in the camper again in Columbus, IN on a large piece of wooded property sitting behind an old house that needed extensive work inside with a large campfire to the side burning brush and trash non-stop for weeks, then in the living room inside that old house (because of below freezing temps outside) without a working kitchen or furnace, but with two fireplace heaters keeping it nice and cozy inside, and suddenly in a spare bedroom at my friend's house back in Texas for the last week and two more ahead, while taking care of my very independent son's every need as he spends most of his time in a bedroom down the hall here at my friend's house.
So, yes, many mornings I wake up and wonder where I am and how in the world did I get here? I've been displaced since early June, and as much as I long to just go home already, home does not yet exist. (I feel the most at home when I am at work at New Song, which has felt like home since the moment I got there.) Mike and his brother are working as much as they can to remodel the old house we bought and clean up the 10 acre lot of land that had been neglected for quite awhile, so the feeling of home seems closer every day. But until I can hang my clothes in a closet, set my books on a bookshelf, hang a few pictures on the wall, and cook on my stove, I still don't feel like I'm home. And as thankful as I am to stay with a friend during my son's unexpected recovery and need for 24 hour assistance and reconnect with friends and family that come to visit, I long for home where I am in my own space and on my own schedule. But like I said, as much as I long for it, it doesn't yet fully exist.
No matter where I am, home or not, my physical needs are always met. Having just sent the ladies from the Mom's retreat out on a prayer walk to get to know Jehovah Ra'ah more personally, I think my Shepherd is calling me to lean into Him more, as well. Not being at home definitely makes us more dependent on someone else to take care of us. I spent last Saturday morning walking around New Song's campus praying these actual prayers, along with prayers for the ladies who would be praying them a few hours later. All while my son rode the trails in McKinney, Texas, not knowing the accident just about to happen. Even still, God was preparing me to know I could trust Him to take care of our every need, just as He has. At this point, I have no idea what the doctor is going to say or do at his next appointment, nor do I know how to best transport David back to Indiana with me if that's our best option, but God has a plan that He will unfold when I need to make that decision.
Looks like it's time for another walk. Want to join me this time?
A walk with Jehovah Ra'ah
Psalm 23:1. The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
Jehovah Ra’ah, thank you for being my Shepherd, for always guiding me when I don’t know what to do or where to turn. Thank you for providing for my needs in ways that I don’t ever expect or even deserve. Thank you for even providing things that I just want and maybe don’t always need. Thank you for: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thank you for guiding and taking care of my family, especially my children. Thank you for providing for our physical needs, our financial needs, our emotional needs, and today for my spiritual need. Please help me to remember David caring for the needs of each one of his sheep to remind me that You are caring for me in the same way.
Psalm 23:2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
Jehovah Ra'ah, thank you for bringing me to green meadows today, for giving me a few moments of rest and rejuvenation. When times are hard, may I not forget the times I have seen you provide. Help me to start recording all I am thankful for so that I see that the grass is green on my side, too, especially when You are on my side. Thank you for: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thank you for leading me to peaceful waters here at New Song today, for letting me have a few moments to soak in the quiet tranquility of this environment. Help me to look for other moments of stillness in my life and to thank You for them.
Psalm 23:3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
Jehovah Ra’ah, thank you for times of peace and tranquility to recharge and renew my strength. When I keep pushing through exhaustion, I can’t think clearly and don’t always make the wisest of decisions or produce the best work that I can. Thank you for this special time today to fill up spiritually. Thank you for guiding me down the right path when I often don’t know which path to take. Thank you for guiding me here today. Thank you for helping me make important decisions in life. Every decision comes with good and bad, but when I follow Your guidance, I know that my choice will possibly help point someone to You. Leading someone closer to You makes the hardship I am going through worth the struggle. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Help me to honor You, even on a difficult path that I may wish I wasn’t on.
Psalm 23:4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
Jehovah Ra’ah, you know I’ve got some struggles in my life right now. I’m walking down some dark roads and am searching for the light. It seems like I go from one dark valley straight into another one, like the time when: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I tend to be fearful, to worry, and to panic when things are dark. Help me to envision you, my Shepherd, walking with me, guiding me through it. Your rod is there to help You protect me, to fight off the enemy coming toward me. Your staff is there to pull me back toward you when I start to go the wrong way because I can’t see ahead like You can. The next time I feel overwhelmed because I can’t see the light, remind me to picture You walking right beside me with both Your rod and Your staff in Your hand.
Psalm 23:5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.
Jehovah Ra’ah, even in the valley, You prepare a feast and invite me to dine with You. You spend time with me at the table and make the enemy watch. You make it known that I am your daughter and that You are taking care of me. Every time I sit at the table to eat with my family, help me to remember that You are sitting there with us and that You provided everything we needed for that meal together.
You anoint my head with oil. You show me honor and set me apart for a divine purpose. As the oil pours over me, my cup runs over. Your constant care and protection of me is so abundant that it spills out onto those around me, including my children and family.
Psalm 23:6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
Jehovah Ra’ah, when I make the decision to look for You in my life, I find You everywhere. Your lovingkindness doesn’t just follow me, it chases after me. Sometimes I just get so busy that I forget to look, and I miss the ways You tried to show Your love to me. Please open my eyes today and every day to see the ways that You demonstrate love to me.
I know I will meet You in heaven if I have accepted You as my Savior so I can dwell with You in Your house forever. But I also know that the beautiful nature all around me speaks of Your creativity. Every time I see a pretty flower, a peaceful sunset, or hear a bird sing a beautiful tune, remind me that You created this earthly house for me to dwell in with You until the day You take me to heaven. The earth is Yours and everything in it. Your creation speaks constantly of Your presence right here, right now.
Time of gratitude, reflection, and supplication
Jehovah Ra’ah, thank You for all the ways that You guide me. Thank you for providing for my needs, for blessing me, for giving me times of rest and refreshment, for helping me choose the right path, for using my experiences to draw others to You, for walking beside me and protecting me from harm, for drawing me back when I go the wrong way. Thank you for dining with me, Your daughter, for honoring me, and for pouring out so much love on me that it touches everyone around me, too. Thank you for Your constant displays of lovingkindness that are always there if I just take the time to look for them.
I once again entrust my burdens into Your care and trust You to carry them for me.
Thank you for allowing me to spend some time with You today outside in your beautiful creation, a time for You to remind me just how much You love me and take care of me every single day.
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