Am I enough?

This last season of life has brought about a critical question that constantly begs to be answered. Am I enough?

As a responsible citizen, did I do enough during this crisis to make a difference? Did I listen to the right people enough of the time? Did I wear a mask enough? Wash my hands enough? Protect the people I love enough? Follow the rules enough? Disregard the media enough? Respect others opinions enough?

As a good neighbor (or family member), did I reach out enough to those who are hurting, lonely, or needy? Did I call enough to let people know someone cared?

As a teacher, did I contact that parent or student enough to keep them from falling behind? Did I focus enough on my students' personal needs over their academic needs? Did I love them enough? Did I spend enough time on my lessons to make them understandable?

As a friend, did I keep in touch enough? (As an introvert, I can already tell you the answer to that question. I will never keep in touch enough with my more extroverted friends.)

As a wife, did I communicate enough to make sure my spouse and I were navigating things on the same page? Did I carve enough time out to stay connected with my spouse in an intimate way? Did I listen well enough to know if we were connected?

As a mom, did I spend enough true quality time with my child, savoring all of our extra time together well? Did we talk enough? Did we cherish our togetherness enough? Did we have enough of the right conversations so everyone felt heard and seen?

As an employee, did I do enough to earn my pay from home? Did I further my knowledge with enough extra trainings in technology to prepare me for a new future in teaching?

As an individual, did I sleep enough? Did I exercise enough? Did I take enough vitamins, brush and floss my teeth enough, drink enough water, etc.? Did I take care of myself enough? Did I rest enough, embracing this once in a lifetime opportunity to just be still and reflect and reprioritize?

As a writer, did I take advantage enough of all this time at home to write more?

As a Christian, did I pursue Christ enough during this time? Did I represent Him well enough to those around me to make them want more of Him? Did I exemplify and spread the gospel enough? Did I pray enough and for enough people and situations to even make a difference?

To most of those questions, I guess the answer is no, and should be no. I will never do enough or be enough unless I only focus on one area. But my life and my roles do not just encompass one specific area. I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, neighbor, teacher, employee, coworker, individual, citizen, neighbor, and friend. Better said, I am a Christian wife, mom, daughter, sister, neighbor, teacher, employee, coworker, writer, individual, citizen, neighbor, and friend. My number one goal is to seek Christ with everything in me, and then when I cannot ever be enough  or do enough in all my other roles, Christ fills in that gap and uses my insufficiency in abundant ways. (Thank you, Priscilla Shirer, for bringing a message to my church recently over this very subject.)

The last three months have been interesting to see people's true character come out. Everyone has processed this whole pandemic and social distancing differently, and different personality types struggled in completely different ways.

I'll admit, when I heard the order back in early March to stay at home as much as possible, I didn't have a single objection to it. My introverted personality already practices social distancing quite a bit, and screens are really the only reason people know me as much as they do today. Until I found the ability to blog, I rarely ever shared anything personal because in person and over the phone, the words just don't come. The ability to text over talking on a phone was one of the greatest inventions of all time in my world. I've always been a pretty private person. I don't say much in a group, but I have a lot to say if you let me hide behind a screen and type. I keep to my small group of intimate friends, and I don't venture out of it unless I am leading/teaching them in some way. I crave/desire/NEED alone time to recharge after being with a lot of people or even after spending time with someone who talks a lot. (Even one single ZOOM meeting or video chat is enough to drain my social energy for the day.) I thrive and can be incredibly productive in silence because my mind is free from interruption and my thoughts can flow freely.  I'm actually quite sociable with certain people, but I am very protective of my time and my need to spend large amounts of time alone.

So when a situation like the current one arises, I can thrive as an individual and find myself more productive and more fulfilled than ever.  I can write on a deeper level, read what truly interests me, connect with others in a written way, send cards, send texts, and spend a lot of time in prayer and Bible study. If you've asked for prayer, I can guarantee you that you've been prayed for very fervently during this extended time at home. 

But I've also had to accept that I'm not that friend who calls to check up on her peeps. I'm not that friend arranging a face time or zoom meeting to catch up. I'm not that friend driving by your house delivering groceries, gifts, meals, etc. I'm not that neighbor sharing goodies or checking up on you. I'm not that friend volunteering for any opportunity to help in the community. I'm not that friend suggesting to meet up somewhere because I just have to get out of the house and talk to someone. I'm not that friend that's just dying to visit with all her friends. I'm just not. And at times I've felt like I'm just not a good enough friend, neighbor, teacher, teammate, coworker, employee, wife, mom, daughter, or family member because of that.

But if I were, I wouldn't be me. If I spent extra time on the phone every day, that's time that my mind isn't at rest to work on a writing project or to send someone an encouraging text. That's time I'm not focused on self-care, reading up on something that interests me or will help me be a better me. That's time that I'm not studying up for a Bible study I'm going to lead or just growing closer to Christ by spending personal time with Him. It's time I'm not outside on my porch talking to God, praying for those that He puts on my heart. I'm not that friend that takes the time to just sit and talk when I'm supposed to be working because it's time that I'm trying to get my work done so I can spend more time with my family. I'm not that friend that has time to spare to socialize because if I'm engrossed in a certain task or project, it takes me a long time to get back into it after I've been interrupted for a few moments of socialization. 

My son has noticed after these last three months with me that it truly does take me a bit longer than normal to transition my focus from one thing to another. It takes me a while to process new information if I'm fully engrossed in one matter and suddenly asked to shift my train of thought. 

I've had to learn to accept that God made me the way He did for a purpose, and I will never be enough or do enough in all the roles I play. And that's okay.

Just as I've battled with the whole "I'll never be enough" issue, I got an e-mail from someone thanking me for the way I articulate things so well in writing and letting me know how much they appreciate my way of communicating with the written word. Then I got a text message from a friend saying how I always have a way of putting into writing exactly what she wants to say. And I got another message from a friend asking for prayer, stating, "You are honestly the strongest prayer warrior I know."

It was like God knew what I needed to hear. There are a lot of roles I'm not going to be able to fill with the personality God gave me. But there are other roles that I just fit right into naturally because of who I am and how my mind and personality operate. I'm never going to be that extra social friend that makes your phone ring all the time, fills your ear with words, or is physically there by your side. But I am going to be that quieter friend who loves you in a quieter, more distant, perhaps deeper way.  And that's okay. I am me, and as long as I continue pursuing Christ with everything in me and letting him mold me, that is enough because He is sufficiently enough to use me and all my "not-enough-ness" more abundantly than I could ever fathom, allowing me to fulfill the role He created me for.

If you're feeling like you're not enough or haven't done enough this last season, don't despair. As long as you are pursuing Christ over every other role in life, that is enough. He can and will do more through you than you may ever know. You can keep striving and pushing yourself past your limit to be someone you're not in order to be enough to everyone around you. Or you can just be still and let God use you best in the lives of all those people around you with the person He created you to be. (And while you're sitting in that stillness, you can color, too. :) It's a very soothing exercise.)