So, I did what all introverts do. I pushed it all deep down inside and just kept moving, trying to survive the last few weeks of the school year. Until I could find the time and energy to shut the world out long enough to journal my heart out, I focused on survival. I knew summer would be here soon enough. In the meantime, I had two close friends checking up on me, texting me often with encouragement and Scripture, and praying me through. One close to my age that I count on for wise, Biblical advice and encouragement, the other much more seasoned than I who I know I can always count on to pray for me even when I don't have the words to explain my need. We are always there for one another, and I'm so thankful for the role God has had them play out in my life over the last ten years or so.
I started my summer at the local Christian bookstore, gathering books to occupy my mind and help me sort through all the mixed emotions I was dealing with. I read a book by Natalie Grant about learning how to find your voice, another book about learning how to shine, and then another one about learning how to be resilient, no matter what your circumstances are. The last book, Becoming Resilient, was written by Donna Gibbs, a professional counselor who wrote the book in a way that mimicks a counseling process, as long as you are willing to talk or journal your way through it and answer the questions at the end of each chapter. I filled up quite a bit of my journal over those first few weeks of summer. At first, I felt like all I did was vent and stir up more anger and emotion than I anticipated-and probably slipped and said things aloud that were meant only for my journal. But I am amazed at the journey that book took me on in my journaling process, leading me to a very real victory over my emotions and my circumstances in a way I only could have hoped.
I finished up a Love God Greatly Bible study on Choosing to be Brave and started a new one online called Walking in Victory. I was determined to bravely walk out of this season of defeat in victory.
Everyone is suffering through something. Things are always going to happen that knock us to the ground and leave us questioning how it happened and why. The key is learning how to suffer well and come back stronger rather than remain stuck and paralyzed.
God allows suffering for a purpose. He may allow us to suffer in order to show us a different facet of His character. He may want to use our experience to later comfort and guide someone else. He may put us in a difficult situation specifically to guide us somewhere we never would have gone otherwise. He may use our suffering as our platform, a way to give us credibility that will draw others closer to us and to Him. But it always has a purpose, and it can almost always be used positively in someone else's life if we let it.
In fact, as I began looking for ways I could thank God in the midst of my trouble, He pointed out to me how He'd already paired me with at least one other person for every single trial I faced. Every. Single. One. Even the most surprising challenges that had hit us out of nowhere, and God gave me someone going through the same thing.
Here are a few excerpts from Becoming Resilient that challenged me.
The last semester has been hard. Really hard. But looking back, things birthed and grew that never could have without the hard.
I had to surrender, to throw my hands up in the air, to give up my desires and accept that God had something greater.
My son's constant need for guidance and nurture at his age can be a bit overwhelming, frustrating, and draining, but how can I deny that he tells me he loves me so much more now than he ever did. I'm thankful that it's me he's hanging out with rather than some random girl on the street. I'm thankful for the way he opens up about his feelings about friendships and relationships, showing me what's really on his heart. I'm thankful he's plopped on my couch rather than running around with people we don't know and avoiding home altogether. I'm thankful for his honesty and for the reminders that he's looking for unconditional love from me, despite his physical appearance or unmet expectations. Older adopted kids come testing those boundaries, and I guess he's still testing them now, making sure we'll still love him no matter what.
We may not have the money we had coming in earlier in the year, but we haven't been in need for a single thing, we're still out of debt other than our house, and we can still enjoy an occasional coffee or ice cream date together or as a family. My husband now works a mile down the road, works hours that are much more convenient for our family, and we see each other so much more throughout the week than we have for the last few years. He has time to work in the garage on trucks with our youngest son, who is soaking up every bit that he can learn from his dad about mechanics. We have time to go for walks in the evenings and can attend an amazing marriage program at our church called ReEngage on a weekly basis. What marriage can't benefit by focusing one night a week in a program to learn how God intended marriage to work? Because of our struggles, there's a definite humility in our relationship that didn't exist before, and I'm thankful we've decided that we're on the same team and are willing to work together to fix what's broken. An added benefit is meeting other couples and watching their marriages transform right before our eyes. It's truly an inspiring ministry that should exist in every single church. How can I not be thankful for those two hours we now spend together each week?
The thought of teaching kindergarten made me want to throw up, literally, because I really thought I'd moved on from early childhood and put it behind me. Some people are great with little ones, but they truly burned me out and left me feeling both bored (with the content I had to teach) and empty (they sucked all my energy and didn't give me a moment to regroup all day long). But I had to realize that my principal meant nothing against me. In fact, he meant the whole move as a compliment to me, knowing that my experience teaching four-year-olds prepared me well for the task of teaching kindergarten, and he also complimented my easy-going personality to be a good fit with the exisiting team. True, he didn't hear my voice about where I thrive as a teacher, nor did he take notice of my quiet strengths on my team, but this was about his school, not just about me.
I went for a walk one morning and just cried out to God, surrending it all to Him again, asking him to change ME and show me the good that could/would/already had begun to come through this difficult semester. I asked God to speak to me in a very tender way. I prayed for my son, for my husband, for my marriage, for my family, for my principal, for my previous teammates and my future teammates, and even for the teacher taking my place in my beloved second grade spot. I accepted that God had a purpose for me in kindergarten, either to place me with a certain teammate or a certain student that needed something only I could offer them. And I met with my previous teammate every week for tea, allowing myself to grow closer to someone that I normally would have distanced myself from due to the fact that we'd no longer be teammates (that's the introvert in me).
God did indeed meet me in a very tender way through the victory I experienced as I journaled through that book over a course of a few weeks, freeing me from so much negativity and hurt, helping me to change my perspective and find compassion for those who hurt me. He met me tenderly by giving me a new treasured friend as we met for tea each week. He strengthened my marriage and continues to soften my heart, and he gave me a renewed compassion for my oldest son, reminding me that He specifically chose me to be his mom precisely during this "prepare to launch" phase of his life. There's something that my husband and I can give him that obviously no one else could or He would have chosen someone else for the task.
He also met me very tenderly when I got the phonecall from my principal saying there had been some changes and he was moving me back to my second grade team! I had to ask my son the next day if that phone call really took place the day before to make sure I hadn't just dreamed it! Words can't even describe how thankful I was to get that phonecall. I'm so glad I kept meeting my previous teammate for tea each week because now she's my teammate again, and our close friendship can only make our team even stronger. :) God knew and had a plan all along.
I'm especially thankful for summer, for the time it allows me to decompress, reflect, spend time alone, read for hours on end, and take time to write so I can process my thoughts and feelings. For my friends and family who get so frustrated with me for not talking when I'm struggling, I'm sorry. That's just not how God wired me. In time I'll open up, when I'm ready and I've had a chance to hash things out with God and my journal first. Until then, please be patient with me. Pray for me and encourage me. A simple text of encouragement speaks volumes to me, especially when I can read it over and over again as needed.
Yet between the broken cracks
A tiny light flickered.
Guiding me in the darkness,
Shedding light on each step,
Iluminating purpose in the pain.
Growth beneath the ashes.
Unexpected changes.
Surprising companions.
Pure, heartfelt gratitude.
Hidden joy.
What once broke me, defeated me,
Gave me the opportunity to shine.
Light only shines when there's a darkness to overcome.
The dark could not defeat the light within me.
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