That same day, another young woman close to my age gave birth to a beautiful little boy up on the northern tip of the same continent in Bogota, Colombia. She and I had nothing in common nor did we have any reason for our lives to intersect in any way. I never met her, but she changed my life that day in ways I never could have imagined. I am thankful for her and think of her often.
Ten and a half years later, God allowed a picture of that beautiful baby boy she'd given birth to to land in my inbox, and I couldn't get him off my mind. For reasons beyond his control, he was living in an orphanage, along with his older brother and younger sister (also pictured), hoping for a family to adopt both him and his sister together.
As soon as I saw their pictures on my computer, I fell in love with both of them. Yet after five years of ups and downs, only he came home to me.
I find myself quite emotional today as I celebrate his twenty years of life, the nine and a half years he's been part of my life and heart, the four and a half years that he's been my son.
Four years were not enough. Not enough to teach him, to nurture him, to love him, to attach to him, to bond with him, to model life for him, to prepare him for the big world out there.
Sending him off to college (even if he's less than an hour away) seems to have widened the gap that already existed between us because we didn't raise him the first 15 and a half years of his life. There are things, people, and experiences that affected him and molded him that I know nothing about. The bond I have with him doesn't even begin to compare to the bond I have with my biological child. Showing up for events at his school make it clearly obvious that our relationship with our son is not like the relationships that the other students have with their parents. Those parents had eighteen years to prepare them. College is a stepping stone toward their independence, preparing them further to pursue their dreams, find themselves, and seek after their purpose in life.
For my son, it was his break toward freedom, freedom he has longed for but isn't quite ready to handle. Trying to figure himself out without a background of consistent nurturing or modeling. A background that makes him see himself as more mature because of his experiences, though those of us in the adoption community know it's a background that left huge gaps in his emotional maturity that he will never see. That mask of arrogance is back up, hiding the lost little boy inside desperately seeking love and acceptance.
Four years were not enough to fill those holes. As his mom, I wish I could hold his hand and guide him through this step in life, knowing the gaps are there. But as a twenty year old, he's going to have to start falling and learning how to get back up on his own. I know those of you without adoption experience are reading this, telling me it's normal for his age. But those of you from the adoption community, especially those of you who have adopted older children, know that our kids' issues are so much more complex than the norm. Those holes in his life will follow him everywhere he goes, through every stage of his life. They will trigger memories they don't want to remember and emotions they don't know they are even feeling.
He's learning, and he's growing. And this is a step that has to take place in his life. I am thankful for the financial possibility this year for him to experience this stage of life on a Christian college campus with a very small teacher to student ratio. He has professors that he can talk to and are willing to work with him. He has a mentor to meet with. He attends a chapel service three times a week with special speakers that are touching his life. He can explore different churches with his friends and attend college age functions. He's free to make choices we didn't give him the opportunity to make at home, which also makes him responsible to face the consequences of those choices.
As a mom that fought and sacrificed for five years to bring home and raise a child only for the last four years of his "childhood", I miss him dearly today. I hurt to see that gap between us widen in order for him to become his own person and find his place in the world so quickly after adopting him.
As a mom that brought a fifteen year old "stranger" into her home just four short years ago, I feel relieved to let someone else guide him through this next stage of life, relieved to be able to put the focus back on my child still at home who longed for that "only-child" attention he grew up with to be given back to him.
As a mom who traveled the world with my son this summer and had the chance to reconnect him with his beloved sister, whom I also will always love dearly, I am grateful for that bonding experience that I will forever cherish.
As a mom that grieved losing her child, I am thankful for him and thankful to be able to celebrate this birthday with him tonight when we go to visit him and take him out for dinner.
Today is a day full of many mixed emotions for me.
No, four years just didn't seem like they were long enough. But without those four years, where would he be now? I guess from God's perspective, those four years were exactly enough. He has a purpose and a story that will all work together to make him the man God is molding him to be. We didn't go looking for him. God, for some reason, brought him to us and asked us to love him through the last four years, one fifth of his now twenty years of life.
Wishing a day full of blessings to my now 20 year old son. God took 20 year old North American me to live and study in South American to prepare me for my purpose in this world. Now he brought 20 year old South American Juan to live and study in North America to prepare him for his purpose.
I am honored that God chose me to be part of that preparation in your life, though I will always feel like it just wasn't long enough.
Missing him today. Looking forward to tonight. Glad he's not too far away.
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