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I am a wife, daughter, mother, bilingual teacher, poet, author, women's Bible study teacher, world traveler, orphan advocate, and an adoptive mother.  Our adoption journey has been filled with a lot of hurt and loss, along with even more hope, grace, and healing.  Through it we have experienced more of God than we ever bargained for and have watched Him miraculously redeem our story when we surrendered all the broken pieces to Him.


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Friday, August 4, 2017

What could've been

It was hard not to see my son and his sister together and not wonder what could've been.

It was hard to feel her hugs and not wonder what could've been.

It was hard to see pictures of the three of us together and not wonder what could've been.

But I'm so thankful to see what is and not have to wonder what could've been.

The adoption could have been successful, and she would have missed her beautiful life with a mom, an aunt, and grandparents and cousins to love and be loved on as an only child. She would have missed that undivided love and attention that she so deserved and needed that I never could have given her between three children.

The adoption could have been successful, and David may have struggled immensely as being the odd one out, the sibling that didn't grow up with the other two, that didn't share the same connection or memories.

The adoption could have failed, and I may never have connected with Julian, thus meaning I never would have known anything more about those kids.

The adoption could have failed, and I may not have ever known that Juan David would still need a family two and a half years later.

The adoption could have failed, and I might not have ever seen Colombia or known why God ever put Colombia on our hearts.

The adoption could have failed, and we may never have attempted adoption again.

The adoption could have failed, and I could have been left with a gaping hole in my heart, never knowing why.

Juan's adoption could have been successful, and we may have never known a thing about his sister again.

Juan's adoption could have been successful, and then we could have been left to wonder about his sister for the rest of his life, leaving a hole in his heart that could never be filled.

Our trip to Spain could have happened, but her mom could been guarded, keeping us at an arm's distance, not fully letting us in.

Our trip to Spain could have been successful, but we could have spent a ton of money, visited unfamiliar places, and left disconnected from the little girl we went to see.

Our trip to Spain could have been successful, but we could have hugged, said goodbye, and thanked God for closure, rather than an open door.

So rather than regret not seeing what could've been, I'm so grateful for what really is rather than all the scenarios of what could've been.


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