So here I am, sitting outside on a beautiful Sunday morning, watching the sun rise, feeling its heat as it shines on my skin. I listen to the birds and am fascinated with their intricate design and color, evidence of a creative God.
And my mind finally starts to rest. I miss these mornings that found themselves in abundance a year ago when COVID forced us all to work from home. I soaked them up and spent so much quality time with God, not knowing what the future held and how long we'd have to fight to survive this pandemic.
With the global shut down came a natural reset, and coming out of the shutdown meant coming into a world we didn't recognize. A world with masks, with social distancing, with virtual learning opportunities in every area of life. Also a world full of loss, anxiety, and mental illness brought on by months of isolation and separation. When the world began to open up, we found ourselves having to navigate through change at every turn.
Education looked entirely different than anything we've ever seen before, and the stress mounted on teachers and parents did no one any good. Managing a class of 20 second graders both online and in person simultaneously mentally challenged me this year more than any other year in my eighteen years in education. Add to that all the health issues I've faced due to COVID and post COVID syndrome, all the extra absences and planning for substitutes, plus ongoing personal issues, my mind just can't seem to rest.
I look forward to summer quickly approaching in order to give my mind the break it needs from this battlefield, though I tear up at the thought of closing out the year with those 20 second graders that I've grown to love very dearly. Some of them spent their first year of school with me in Pre-K and now another year with me currently, and it saddens me to know they didn't get the best of me the second time around. Every day that I battle to teach on both sides of the screen, I feel so defeated, knowing this isn't how we're supposed to learn. We lost so much rich discussion, and my lessons barely touched the surface, losing depth and conversation that normally happens naturally. I hate that, and I grieve the fact that I had to resort to computer programs to teach them on their own level because there's no way I could fill in so many gaps and inconsistencies as just one teacher.
When the nurse from my cardiologist called in the middle of one of those disastrous virtual class times to tell me I needed to come back in for further testing, I had two choices. Let my anxiety get the better of me, or just give up and let God carry me. Okay, so I chose a little bit of both. My blood pressure rose over the following 24 hours, while my prayer warriors starting praying for me.
My normal prayer warriors that I always go to for prayer. And new ones that I just met over the last few months in two groups my husband and I recently joined at church.
By the time I went in for my test, my blood pressure finally came back down to numbers I hadn't seen in several months, and while walking on the treadmill in the cardiologist's office, I felt empowered and strengthened, not only physically, but in my spirit. I felt like God was right there, cheering me on, as I walked, and I felt courage to laugh in the face of my enemy and let him know that God prepared a table for me and would dine with me right in front of him. He was about to go down, and God was about to show up big in my life.
I could see clearly, and I saw blessings all around me. Time to finish up paperwork that had cluttered my mind, a clear head, new jeans passed on from a friend who didn't know mine had just ripped, a new hot pink backpack I found at a garage sale for a dollar after I'd just thrown my old one away, a free cubby unit after I'd just had an itch to organize a closet, hot pink things to get me excited about actually setting up my classroom next year (pink is my happy color), a call from a good friend (my biggest writing support) giving me new writing opportunities after I'd just shared with my husband about a prompting to write for ministry again, a deepening bond with the ladies in a new couples' group after I left my previous' ladies' group to join a group with my husband, a published book of poems that my students and I wrote and illustrated together during an incredibly stressful month, a class that said our book signing celebration was the best day ever, the privilege to cross paths this year with the most unsuspecting person in the most unsuspecting way to connect them to a ministry opportunity in Colombia this summer, a text from a writer friend wanting to pray for me in a specific way, etc. I could go on and on.
The chaos didn't go away. I'm still dealing with health issues, though they seem to finally be stabilizing. School is still an insanity, though I am finding joy in teaching again, a direct answer to my husband's prayer for me. I still have a ton of medical bills piling up, though God gave me peace about even that and granted me time, clarity, and the needed support from my cardiologist to construct an appeal to the insurance company. I'm still growing and learning through some personal issues, though God closed doors in order to lead our family to just the right people and resources to encourage us through them.
He's showing me that new things are on the horizon, and that He sees the smallest details of my life and hears my heart, even to show me that He saw me throw away that old back pack and saw the tear forming in my favorite jeans. He led me right to someone selling a backpack in my favorite color, and he brought me to someone's mind who had jeans just my size. He saw the text I sent to one of my closest friends thanking her for being my prayer warrior, and the next moment I received a group text from a brand new friend telling us that we are warriors and that she was praying for us.
Yes, my plate is still overwhelmingly full. But my cup is beginning to overflow, reminding me of my purpose to stay connected to others and let God's love pour onto them through me. We are made for community and relationships, as God uses each of us to touch and impact each other in ways we can't imagine.
Today I'm so thankful for spring, for the warm sunshine and the beautiful birds, both of which helped me give my mind a break. I'm thankful for watercolors that helped me focus and reign my attention in to what matters. I'm thankful for an intimate God who just keeps on coming through.
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