Walking back into the fire

It's been six months since I've had kids in my classroom. Kids who wrote the date under the calendar for me two days before we left for spring break. They got busy and forgot to change the date the next day, and not a single child has been in my classroom since then to change it . In fact, it still reads the same today. I haven't had the need to change it since everything went digital, and there's also something almost sacred about leaving it there just the way those kids left it. 

Now here we are six months later, and tomorrow a whole new set of students will walk into my classroom. Well, at least half of them will, while I continue to teach the other half virtually. And the half that do come in to the classroom will come in fully masked and will wear face shields all day and sit at desks barricaded by plastic. Thankfully we've already had four weeks of bonding over a screen and time to build some sense of community--without all the masks and barricades. And it's actually been an advantage to meet my kids right in their homes, giving me a truer sense of the environment they're coming from. 

I must admit I have a lot of mixed emotions about the big day tomorrow. Excitement to see those smiling faces in person after teaching them over a screen for the last four weeks. Sadness to know I can't hug them. Nervous about having to teach behind a mask. Scared about all the extra exposure to people who may be carrying the virus after having carefully isolated myself for so long. Heartache over seeing my kids from last year that never got the closure to second grade they deserved. Dread over having to say goodbye to the bliss of silence and the excuse to keep to myself more (which has been a huge gift to me, honestly.) A bit of anxiety over what might be next, or how long our in-person class will last.

 Bringing kids back into the classroom complicates the whole scenario of any possibilities of getting sick, making it so much more important to get the kids into a strict routine as quickly as possible because once you're out, you're out for awhile. But so far, as we've watched other schools around the country reopen before we did, I haven't heard of any huge spikes in cases. So perhaps we'll all be just fine. That's what I'm praying for, anyway. But God knows, and He will be right there no matter what, either protecting me from sickness or giving me strength through it. 

I don't know what this coming week, month, or year will look like, but when I look at that haunting picture from six months ago, I'm reminded to seize the day at hand. To make it matter. To make it my top priority to love my kids and make them feel as safe and secure as possible. To take the time to rest and care for myself so I can stay as healthy as possible for them. To keep track of my own batteries and know when I need to recharge. To encourage and uplift my teammates and my leaders as we walk back into the fire together. 

If I've learned anything through these last six months, I've learned to protect my need to spend time alone. Having so much time alone made me see how much I need it and failed to protect it. Just like I plan time to spend time with others, I have to plan time to spend with me (and God). I process things at a different pace, and if I don't give myself that time to work out my thoughts and emotions--by reading, writing, journaling, blogging, sitting in silence on my porch while it's still dark out, or just out riding my bike, I struggle to move forward.  I get stuck and can't even begin to articulate why. Life has changed and continues to change in rather significant ways that I'm daily trying to process emotionally. Plus I'm completely out of practice of being around people 24/7, so I've noticed that my social battery dies quite a bit more quickly these days. 

So, today being a holiday, I planned for a morning of silence for just me. And boy did I need it, as I cleaned like crazy as a way to work out my nerves regarding all that change that tomorrow will bring. Then Mike and I sat and binged on our favorite show on Netflix all day long after he got off work early in the afternoon. Lol. Not the most exciting Labor Day, but I knew what I needed before tomorrow. 

Now as I head to bed, I'm hoping for a calm night without any of those crazy first day of school nightmares! If I do have any, I'm sure they'll be like no other first day nightmare I've ever had before because there's never been a first day back like this one.