Back here AGAIN

I'm sure you can see a certain word that keeps popping up all over my posts in all caps.  Yeah, that word.  AGAIN.  So much de ja vu around here lately.  There are so many things that we find ourselves doing that make us ask, "Didn't we already do this once, or twice, before? Are we really doing this all over AGAIN?" We are "supposed" to have our home study done tomorrow (I say "supposed" to because we never got a confirmation of the time, and we're not getting a response to our calls, so we'll see what actually happens tomorrow.....).  Anyway, it's not every day you have a home study done, so we've been working hard all weekend to get the house ready.  Not only have we cleaned and fixed up a few things, but we had to come back to the extra room in our house and make it look ready and inviting for a teenage boy to reside in, as well as for the possibility of his 19 year old brother to reside in it with him, if God continues to work out that possibility.

So, I'm currently sitting on the newly made bed in this cozy little room, reflecting over all the events that have brought us back here AGAIN. To this room. To this bed.  For this boy.  Wow.  This poor little room is probably a confused mess by now.  Five years ago when we first looked at this house, I was pregnant at the time, so it was logically going to be the baby's room. By the time we closed on the house, though, I'd already  had a miscarriage, so it became the office.  A few months later, we began pursuing an adoption from El Salvador, so it was "her" room, the little girl we hoped to adopt at least a year or so down the road.  Then we met "Juan" and "Viviana" and began to pursue their adoption instead, so it became "Viviana's" room.  When that dream fell apart and she never got to come home, it became an exercise room and a prayer room.  At some point in time, I found a framed picture that said FAITH in big, black letters, and I hung it up on the center of the wall in that room.  Soon Julian came into my life and started sending me pictures of himself and his siblings, and those pictures have surrounded the word FAITH on the wall for over two years now. Then after going to Colombia to meet him, we made a poster size picture of Bogota' and hung it up in this room.  Little by little, as I began realizing that we weren't meant to forget about them, I started putting up more pictures of the kids.  It became our little "Colombia" room, holding all of our Colombia memories.  This year when we went to Colombia, Julian gave me all of his artwork that he'd done during his one semester in college, so I hung it up in here, as well.  Well, this weekend we finally set up the extra bed from the bunk beds and set it up so that it shows that we have a place ready and waiting for the child  that was always meant to occupy this room.    The room just feels "right" this time.  Complete.  The ironic thing is, this was even his bed, his very bunk that we already had ready for him once, with his own blanket draped across it, waiting for him.  I just can hardly believe that we're really back here AGAIN.

The truth is, though, that when the room finally came together, I finally realized just how terrified I am.  Terrified of it not going through again, but also terrified of the possibility of it actually going through this time.  This isn't the sweet little sibling pair that we fought with all of our hearts to bring home.  Now we're talking about teenagers with lots of grief and abandonment under their belts, hearts that have been hurt deeply and are incredibly confused.  Lives that are filled with huge gaps in their development because they've been raised in an institution rather than by a family.  I know the gaps are there because I see them every day in Julian.  Last time around, our love for the kids was a feeling, one that pushed us to give up everything because we had such hope in the final outcome of the process.  This time around, love is more of a choice, a choice to abandon ourselves because we love them and know that if they are supposed to be part of a family, then they, of course, belong with us.  They especially belong with us, in this very room that has been kept full of our memories of them after all this time. In fact, right above my head at this very moment is the framed picture that says FAITH, surrounded by a picture of Julian's graduation, a picture of Julian and "Juan" together, and a picture of Julian and "Viviana" together.  When I put those pictures up, realizing that I was never meant to forget them, I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined that we'd be back here again today.

It's a very awkward, confusing path to be walking down, and there are days that I really don't know how to pray besides just giving both boys to God every morning and ask that His good and perfect will be done in their lives. My heart is so guarded and most days I feel very little to no emotion at all.  We're going through the motions, and I know that my heart is just protecting itself.  However, it's much harder to make those big decisions when my heart isn't driving them. This time it's our faith alone that's driving every single decision we make.  I don't know how we'd get through this AGAIN this time if it weren't for the reminders we get on a daily basis from different people saying that they're praying for us, praying us through each day.  There are no sweeter words to hear right now than that.  Thank you if they happened to have come from you recently.