A few days ago, someone commented on my online failed adoption grief support group about how they didn't know how they could celebrate Christmas this year in the midst of such raw grief over losing a child they thought was coming home to them.
Oh, how could I have forgotten such a Christmas. I commented on her post, letting her know that I remembered all too well how I couldn't stay home for Christmas that year. We went on a long trip, far from home. Basically, I ran away to numb the pain, to find some way to still make positive memories with our 8 year old biological child. Memories that kept me alive and awake to the child in front of me.
That was a decade ago. Nothing could have prepared me for the shock and grief that swallowed me as we closed out the decade from the year 2000-2009. We started out the new decade walking a long, lonely road. But we made it.
And here we are. Ten years later.
And now every few days I get a new request from someone looking to join our grief support group. And every few days, I read tearful posts like the one described above. Someone lost in shock and grief, not knowing how to process such a unique loss, not knowing how to move on.
Yet now with each tearful post, dozens of replies follow, each one a comfort to the original person, letting them know they aren't alone. Many say they experienced something very similar and can understand their pain. Many say how they are surviving or give tips as to how to allow themselves time to grieve. Others are further out from their initial grief and can give hope that they can and will survive.
And as each comforting reply comes through, I can't help but be thankful that because I grieved alone and personally knew a support group was needed, now all of these new members of our group can find immediate comfort from others who have been there. They have a space to express their shock and grief and are met with true empathy and warmth.
Looking back over the last decade, I can actually thank God for letting that adoption fail. For not giving me my little girl. For not giving me a daughter to raise. For not letting my son come home for over two more years. For seeing a bigger picture. It didn't make sense, and parts of the story will never make sense this side of eternity. But for all of the good I've seen come through it, I am thankful. For all of the grieving mothers that can immediately find the help and comfort they need when their adoption fails unexpectedly, it was worth it.
As Ann Voskamp stated in her book One Thousand Gifts, we are emptied in order to fill. We are blessed so we can bless. "The way through the pain is to reach out to others in theirs." p. 199. It's all part of our healing journey.
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