A year to SHINE

When the word SHINE came to me last year, I kind-of liked the sound of it. A year to shine sounded nice and honorable.

Yet light shines brightest in the dark, and 2019 held a long road of darkness that literally pulled the rug out from under me and knocked me to the ground. I barely spoke of the inner turmoil I experienced this last year to anyone other than a few very close friends. While I may have held it together on the outside, inside I fought a silent battle that left me grasping for any strings I could hold on to in order to survive. I'm a private person, and I share very little of myself with those around me unless I write about it or I talk about it in a small Bible study group. However, I stopped writing, and I gave up attending and teaching women's Bible studies this year in order to work on the main relationship in my life that matters the most (besides Christ)--my marriage. So my world got pretty quiet and pretty small. I never imagined that the year we planned to celebrate 20 years of togetherness would be the year that I would fight the desire to give up. Satan fought hard against us and probably felt pretty successful for several months, but God ... 

Two things kept us together (besides the prayers of the few people who knew this battle was going on): Daily gratitude and a church that pours into marriage for the sake of the gospel through a program called ReEngage. I can't say enough about either of those two things.

Daily gratitude keeps me looking for anything positive I can find and keeps me thanking God for His daily gifts of grace. It keeps my focus on God and off of myself and all the problems surrounding me.  It keeps me looking for the good that can come out of the bad. 

One Thousand Blessings Journal, Ann Voskamp

ReEngage is a program we've been through before, just not while in crisis, so it was a comfort to know we could jump in at any time to get the help that we needed. There's so much power in numbers, being in an auditorium full of other married couples who are actually admitting their faults and talking about their mistakes and their struggles. For the last nine months, we've spent every Wednesday night hearing messages on God's plan for marriage, listening to testimonies of how God redeemed marriages that the world would have considered hopeless and written off, learning from other couples how to communicate with each other in a healthier way, and walking away with tools to help us continue walking forward through a difficult season. It's not magic, but we watched so many couples reconnect and reunite. You can't sit through ReEngage and not leave with hope and a renewed desire to make your marriage work. One of their popular mottos is, if God has the power to resurrect Jesus from the dead, then He has the same power to resurrect your marriage.

Wednesday nights used to be sacred to me because it was Bible study night with my lady friends. Now Wednesday nights are sacred because it's date night, our middle of the week chance to reconnect and focus on us. We're still a work in progress, but it's progress. I struggled giving up teaching Bible study, but I felt like God was going to use this struggle to equip me to help someone coming through one of my Bible studies in the future. Little did I know that He'd use our current involvement in ReEngage to reach out to another couple very close to us also facing a silent battle in their marriage that no one knew about. God never wastes anything, even our struggles when we're still in them. So, like I said, my world got pretty small as my focus surrounded one main relationship. I wondered how much I really lived up to my word for the year. Did I even have much of an opportunity to shine?

Then God gave me a devotional that pointed out something I never noticed before, and I knew He breathed it over me that day. Proverbs 31:30 says that "charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Which also means to shine. I see it as "she glows". The more you fear the Lord, the more you radiate His light.

I ended the year getting these unexpected messages from friends around me who didn't even know I was looking for evidence of having lived out my word or not. 

 And also a text from another friend that I have honestly spent very little time with that said, "I love spending time with you, the holy spirit radiates off of you!!"

I'm truly thankful for these late year messages and consider them gifts from God, His way of speaking to me and letting me know that He sees me and hears my need for affirmation. Gifts I already added to my 1,000 Blessings Gratitude Journal.

So with that, I bring 2019 to a close and welcome the year 2020 with a new word. Stay tuned.

          

I'm a FIVE

I'm a very naturally reflective person. I think I'm much better at reflecting than I am at living. That's actually kind of bothered me for most of my life until more recently when more awareness has come out about the gift of introversion versus extroversion. My family thinks I'm weird, but I actually love to read articles about introversion and join introvert groups on Facebook with people just like me. It's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one who hates talking on the phone, who prefers silence, who craves time alone, who thrives with one-on-one conversation and companionship rather than being with a group, and who prefers to listen and observe over talking and participating.

But then I attended a women's event at my church with a close friend, and we stumbled across the Enneagram. I'll admit, I'd never heard of it before, although now I know just how popular and widespread it is. As I've read, studied, and pondered over these nine personality types in the book The Road Back to You (Ian Cron and Suzane Stabile) over the last month, I'm left mesmerized as to how well the number 5 described me and helped me understand myself so much more. It's more than just a Meyer's-Briggs ISFJ personality, more than an introvert/extrovert explanation of who I am. It helped me see my strengths, my weaknesses, my needs, and even the why behind certain odd behaviors that I demonstrate quite often.

According to the Enneagram, as a five, I truly NEED time alone. I live so much of life in my head, that without time alone, I am not able to process the events in my life nor how I feel about them. I am emotionally detached and need time in private (sometimes days) to process an experience and know how I actually feel. I do not feel in the moment. I often have to go back in my head to process the emotions from an experience and feel them later. This suddenly made sense to me why I tend to push people away when I'm going through a difficult time. How can I talk to someone about what I'm going through if I haven't even processed it yet myself? It also made sense to me why I don't cry during movies, why people can pour their hearts out to me in tears, yet a single tear never enters my eye. It also revealed to me why I write.  I love to write poetry because I have no idea what I'm going to write, but by the time I finish a poem, I understand how deeply I truly feel about something, and I find Scriptural or spiritual healing by the end of every poem I write. I always used to say that writing poems was my way of processing my life. Now it makes perfect sense.

As a five, I'm very defensive with my time, constantly seeking security, independence, and privacy. One of my classic traits is to withhold personal information. Yep. Super hard for me to open up personally and share the depth of my heart unless I do so in writing. And if I took the time and showed the courage to do so in writing, then I most certainly do not want to talk about it, too. If I open my heart in a written way, take that as a gift from me and leave it at that.

As a five, I found that I am known for staying calm when everything or everyone around me is falling apart. Fives are knowing for their calmness in crisis. (At home I would not say that's true, but when I'm at work, that's incredibly true of me. A coworker of mine recently told me that when she sees me, she senses peace. Others also comment that they come into my room because they just need some calm vibes to get through their drama of a day. I've been told I have a soothing voice, too.)

At home, as like many other fives, I have to have a special place to be able to withdraw and recharge, a place that's filled with books, journals, articles, and special mementos from my travels and/or experiences. I crave simplicity and am not very attached to material things. I am a minimalist, which can often show up in my appearance (thus why my non-minimalist friend gives me so many cute clothes because she knows I won't buy them myself). Too much social engagement wears me out, which is why I keep a calendar so I don't overbook myself and spread myself too thin. I literally have to plan my energies around a big social event. I'm not so withdrawn that I don't participate in life socially, I just have to mentally plan for those events ahead of time. If you invite me somewhere last minute and I go, know that you must be pretty special to me because spontaneity is not my gift.

I hate to be interrupted while I'm working on something--especially by a phone, and I plan my time to the minute because I know just how much energy I have before my battery is going to run out. If I know an interruption is coming, I plan far ahead how to handle it and still get what I need to get done.

Fives are the most misunderstood of all the personality types. Since I am so quiet and reserved, I am very often mistaken for being snobby, stuck-up, or thinking I am better than others. Every time I get a new teammate at work, I have to explain from the get-go that I'm just not a very social person. It's not that I don't like to be around people--I do. But I need time and space to recharge in silence, plus I think and operate best without noise, so I keep my door closed a lot. Teaching 22 seven-year-olds takes a lot of energy, so when they've all gone home for the day, the last thing I want to do is try to socialize with someone. When I'm at work, my focus is work, not social relationships. I do build relationships at work, but they usually have to start outside of the regular work day (during a luncheon, a team-building activity, on a staff development day, a lunch out, etc.) But if we plan a get together outside of work over a cup of coffee, you'll see a whole different side of me and learn so much more about me. So when I read that my life is compartmentalized, I totally got it. Yes. Every person in my life fits into a different space and purpose. And it's all about learning how to manage my limited social energy before I just need some silence and solitude again. It keeps my from getting overwhelmed.

In the second book they wrote (The Path Between Us) that guides you to understand how to work the best with each different personality type, the one thing that stood out to me about working with a FIVE is to use as few words as possible. The less words, the better. That made me chuckle because it's so true. Talking to extroverts and long-winded or repetetive people wears me out. Once I've heard the main message of the conversation and then it starts to repeat itself, I tend to tune out. Lol. Sorry.

I learned so much in both of these books, not just about myself, but about all the different personality types and what makes them act the way they do. It gave me a different sense of compassion and understanding for my husband and all his quirks, a sense of forgiveness toward myself for all of my own quirks, and a better perspective about my boys and my other family members and why they do and say certain things.

I also finally understand why I started this blog and why I need to write on it more often. It's my processing page, my quiet space to attach emotions to my life, my way of letting others in when I would normally push them away. So my goal for 2020 is to get back on here more and share what's really going on inside me. It's a win-win, I think. I process more and know myself more, while at the same time I let others in.

This journey into the Enneagram was not something I pursued or saw coming, but I believe God led me to it for a purpose. (It really all just started out as wanting to spend an evening one-on-one with a close friend). I'm thankful to know myself and my family in a new and deeper way as I say goodbye to the last year and decade and step into the year 2020.

(**The bold phrases are traits of FIVES that I got straight from the books.)

Christmas 2019

We had to get creative as to where to put the tree this year since we got new furniture pieces over the year that took the normal tree spaces. 

I can't believe the time has come for this precious boy's senior picture ornament to hang on my tree.

I was thankful to Juan for helping me at least get our cross lit up this year.

And even more thankful when I came home from work that last week before Christmas to find that Mike had gotten new lights to light up our nativity. I loved how they went together so well, the cross with the nativity, the gospel in one lit up display. 

Mike and I decided to commit to the Luke challenge this year, reading a chapter a day in the month of December in spiritual preparation for Christmas. I will have to say that it was a really neat experience, reading about the resurrection on Christmas Eve morning. 

This was a much tighter year financially due to job changes, but with two working sons, we still ended up with an abundance of gifts to exchange between the four of us. I loved the giving hearts of both of my sons toward each other and toward us. I also was quite amazed at Juan's still very obvious childlike anxiety over seeing so many gifts and wondering what he might be getting. This was still only his seventh Christmas with us, meaning only his seventh year to actually have gifts under the tree for him. A good reminder to me that although we need to start pushing more adulthood on him, we also need to appreciate and celebrate the child within him. He may not have gotten everything he asked for, but at least he felt seen and heard and loved. 

In keeping with tradition, we started Christmas Eve by attending the last candlelight service at church, side by side with my brother's family. (My parents couldn't attend because they both caught a pretty bad cold this year.)

And also in keeping with the Kloppmann side of tradition, we ordered pizza on the way home from the service before starting our gift exchange. Here are a few things we ended up with from each other:

A relaxation kit for me from Mike.

A steering wheel for Mike's truck from the boys.

An extra long phone charger for the boy who can't seem to disconnect from his phone.

A good old Texas t-shirt

Another fun shirt.

A voucher to go shopping later. Now he can choose between the clothes or the shoes that he wanted so we don't have to make that choice for him.

Juan's way of secretly coding the gifts by writing Mom in Hebrew. 

An oversized hoodie from Juan since I'm always cold. 

A tiny note from Juan tucked into a pencil sharpener, taped tightly in a cookie tin, wrapped inside a bunch of tissue paper, wrapped inside a taped up shoe box, placed nicely in a stapled gift bag. Lol.

A pretty nice (and expensive) gift from Juan to David.

A candle to make the house smell like cookies in the oven. 

A welcome-to-adulthood gift for Juan.

A blanket for Mike with his truck on it--with David in the driver's seat! This has been David's mode of transportation this semester while they have been working on David's pick-up for several months. 

More warm pajamas.

I had just told Mike that I needed a pan just a bit bigger than the one on the stove and just a bit smaller than the one in the cabinet. So now I have one just the right size. 

A new shirt for David, just his color to highlight his beautiful blue eyes. 

Juan confused about what could possibly be in this big box.

Even more confused by the Big Lots box (it didn't come from Big Lots.)

"Holy cow! It's a piano!"

I told him he'd be surprised, but still happy (after a long conversation the day before about not always getting exactly what you asked for--he's always wanted to learn how to play the piano, but we never had anything for him to play around with at home.)

A much-needed new watch/fitness tracker. 

The weighted vest that he randomly asked for to use while walking the dog.

A wireless mouse from David to help my classroom run more efficiently. 

A pic of the day he reunited with his sister at the Real Madrid stadium in Madrid. 

Pretty self-explanatory. 

Headphones so we don't have to listen to the beginning piano stages. 

Brother/sister pic

Christmas Day with my parents 

The crackling Christmas Day fire on a 70 degree day. 

Plus David got a laptop as a combination gift for Christmas/b-day/graduation, but we didn't get any pics of it. 

It was a quiet Christmas, but nice. We ended the day with a big Christmas dinner at home that we threw together and then played cards for several hours in the evening.

A decade ago...

How soon we forget just how much we've survived and how far we've come. 

A few days ago, someone commented on my online failed adoption grief support group about how they didn't know how they could celebrate Christmas this year in the midst of such raw grief over losing a child they thought was coming home to them. 

Oh, how could I have forgotten such a Christmas. I commented on her post, letting her know that I remembered all too well how I couldn't stay home for Christmas that year. We went on a long trip, far from home. Basically, I ran away to numb the pain, to find some way to still make positive memories with our 8 year old biological child. Memories that kept me alive and awake to the child in front of me.

That was a decade ago. Nothing could have prepared me for the shock and grief that swallowed me as we closed out the decade from the year 2000-2009. We started out the new decade walking a long, lonely road. But we made it.

And here we are. Ten years later. 

And now every few days I get a new request from someone looking to join our grief support group. And every few days, I read tearful posts like the one described above. Someone lost in shock and grief, not knowing how to process such a unique loss, not knowing how to move on. 

Yet now with each tearful post, dozens of replies follow, each one a comfort to the original person, letting them know they aren't alone. Many say they experienced something very similar and can understand their pain. Many say how they are surviving or give tips as to how to allow themselves time to grieve. Others are further out from their initial grief and can give hope that they can and will survive. 

And as each comforting reply comes through, I can't help but be thankful that because I grieved alone and personally knew a support group was needed, now all of these new members of our group can find immediate comfort from others who have been there. They have a space to express their shock and grief and are met with true empathy and warmth. 

Looking back over the last decade, I can actually thank God for letting that adoption fail. For not giving me my little girl. For not giving me a daughter to raise. For not letting my son come home for over two more years. For seeing a bigger picture. It didn't make sense, and parts of the story will never make sense this side of eternity.  But for all of the good I've seen come through it,  I am thankful. For all of the grieving mothers that can immediately find the help and comfort they need when their adoption fails unexpectedly, it was worth it. 

As Ann Voskamp stated in her book  One Thousand Gifts, we are emptied in order to fill. We are blessed so we can bless. "The way through the pain is to reach out to others in theirs." p. 199.  It's all part of our healing journey. 

Christmas Around the World

I love to travel and see the world. For awhile I collected vases, then wallets and purses, then mugs from everywhere that I travelled. Recently I started collecting nativities, and now those nativities are my favorite Christmas decorations. After going on a cruise this summer, I now have even more for my collection. 

 This one is from Roatan, Honduras. It's actually an ornament.

 This one came from Israel, though my parents don't remember buying it. It's marked Israel on it, though, with a K.K. for Karl Kloppmann.

 I bought this one two summers ago in Spain.

 This one came from Belize.

 I'm pretty sure I bought this one in San Antonio when we took a quick family trip there last Christmas. It may have come from Mexico, though. 

This one came from Guatemala. I ran out of money to get a nativity there, so one of our students bought me one at the airport before our flight took off. Such an incredibly touching gesture that will forever remind me of her.

 Both of these came from Colombia.