Silence

As much as this introvert craves a period of silence at least once each day, knowing how energizing it can actually be for me, I find myself conflicted by the silence that has loomed over our life this week.  We are so close to completing this adoption, yet so many questions still hang in the air with no answers.  I would have liked to have gotten answers over this week while I am off work and have time to make the necessary phone calls or write the necessary e-mails.  My mind is not cluttered with work, lesson plans, grading papers, attending meetings, conferencing with parents, etc.  Yet, for the same reason that I am off work, so are the people that I need to be in contact with, the people that I need to be making phone calls to or sending e-mails to.

I feel like God has been screaming at me to just take the mental break and enjoy the peace and solitude.  Read a book.  Watch a movie.  Take a walk. Play a game with my son.  Enjoy life as it is.  Savor it.  Life is just as it was always meant to be in this moment.  Some days I've done well with that, but I confess that other days I have not done so well.  I find myself continuing to fret over all the unknowns (what is God's plan for Julian, when will we go to Colombia, will David's school be affected, how much will it cost, will the grant be enough, will my students be okay, how much longer till these two documents come, who are we supposed to see to get this new report that they're asking for, etc., etc., etc.?????  Will this adoption ever become a reality?  If it does, are we even ready for all the change that will come with it?)  The list of questions goes on and on.  Taking a mental break is hard, but one that I obviously need.  I'm sure God knew what he was doing when he dumped all these unknowns onto us right at Christmas time, knowing that everyone being off of work would just mean silence.

Silence is good, though.  I am an introvert, and as much as I love to pour myself into other people, I desperately need moments of solitude to reenergize myself, and I desperately need time alone with God to let  Him fill me up, over and over again.  I'm slowly learning patience and trust and the ever-so-difficult act of letting go.  God has a plan, and when I need to know more, He'll fill me in.  I think He's proven to me time and time again that He can be trusted, no matter what.  I wish this process and paperwork were already behind us, but for some reason they're not--which could only mean that there's still more to be learning, still more reason to be trusting, and that it's just not time yet.  Life is just as it should be at this moment.  So for today, I'm going to try to savor this silence.