My emotions are all over the place these days. I find myself on the brink of tears one moment to being completely confident in Christ the next. I find myself at total peace one day to being utterly confused and bewildered the next. God's fingerprints and provision are so unmistakenly all over our lives right now (and over our boys' lives in Colombia), yet it is so bewildering to keep running into delay after delay in this pursuit to adopt them. I want answers and direction, and God says, "It's just not time yet. Keep waiting on Me and keep clinging to My word."
It amazes me to see how He is using this study on Esther to speak directly to me week after week. One week I found myself admitting to how terrified I am--terrified that this might not go through again and yet terrified that it just might! That week in Bible study, the whole session was about facing our fears (when Esther had to face her fear of approaching the King even though she was not summoned, which could very likely be her death sentence). So, I start to get past the whole fear thing, and then I find myself agonizing through another unexpected wait. Then I preview the group session for Bible study, and what do you think it was all about? Waiting. Waiting on God's timing, accepting that when He puts a hold on something that we think should be moving along, He is definitely up to something, bringing all the people and events all together for just the right moment. (Esther fasting for three days before approaching the King, then when she's given permission to see him and is offered up to half the kingdom, she still waited two more days to make her actual request.) Hmmmmm. The quote that got to me was about accepting that "the meantime is God-time". If we're waiting, it means that He's still orchestrating it all. (After all the divine events we watched God orchestrate in Colombia both times we were there, you'd think I'd get that by now.)
I've definitely had a lot on my mind lately, though, not really sure which direction our future is going to go in just a few short months from now. I've also really struggled with all of the sacrifices God has asked us to make as a family, more than just financially. The other day I walked my class to lunch, then I went in my classroom, shut my door, and just spent some time with God. I was having one of those "woe is me" kind of days. As I began pouring out my heart, I found tears just streaming down my cheeks as I heard myself asking, "Haven't we already sacrificed enough, God? Financially? Emotionally? Why do you just keep asking for more from me?"
Then, just like usual whenever I reach those points of helplessness, God sent me a boost maybe an hour later via an e-mail, reminding me that He's still right there. We'd applied for a $2,000 grant to help with some of our adoption fees. We were told that the maximum amount of this particular grant was $2,000, but this e-mail said that we'd been awarded $3,000! My heart just skipped a beat as I read the e-mail, even though I barely had time to process it because I had about five kids standing around me, waiting for my attention. I also can't neglect to mention that I had a friend downsize her closet recently, and she gave me pretty much a whole new wardrobe. We have another friend who has helped out on several occasions with extra cash, this time which helped pay for teacher fees I still owed at school, David's cafeteria lunches for a month, and enough to be able to take David to his school carnival this week. People have picked up the tab for us at restaurants so we didn't have to miss out on the fellowship with our church family. Our translation fees were covered by someone who was inspired by our book. I even found money on the ground one day in a wide open parking lot at the grocery store. Yes, God has asked us to sacrifice a lot lately, but He has also taken care of us. As much as I hate to be on the needy side rather than the giving side, it is humbling to see just who and what God has used to continue to meet our needs.
He may have asked us to walk through a valley again, but His fingerprints are everywhere, showing us that we are not walking alone and that He alone is our Sustainer. I hope you see His fingerprints all over your own life, too. What an intimate God we have.
- I am a wife, daughter, mother, bilingual teacher, poet, author, women's Bible study teacher, world traveler, orphan advocate, and an adoptive mother. Our adoption journey has been filled with a lot of hurt and loss, along with even more hope, grace, and healing. Through it we have experienced more of God than we ever bargained for and have watched Him miraculously redeem our story when we surrendered all the broken pieces to Him.