Fifteen days

The calendar today reads May 6th. This is normally an exciting week, full of fun, laughter, lots of flowers, chocolates, and other Teacher Appreciation gifts, and it's usually the beginning of the annual "classroom cleanout". It's the week I normally start clearing the shelves of unused supplies, sending home things we didn't and won't have time to use, purging items I don't want anymore, collect items that other teachers are purging (it's like shopping at the Teacher store, but better!), and I start to organize the classroom for the upcoming year.

Normally it's something I do with joy as I reminisce over the year, seeing how my kids have grown and thinking of how I can continue to improve the next year. Last year I did it with tears, carefully separating my own things from what belonged in the classroom, knowing the following year I'd be teaching yet another new grade--KINDERGARTEN. Mind you, I have never aspired to be a kindergarten teacher. Some people like it, but second grade, third, and fourth grade were my sweet spots, so even the thought of teaching kindergarten sucked all the joy out of me at the end of the year. Thankfully God intervened on my behalf and let me move back into my second grade classroom, but those hard memories resurface now as I face yet another unexpected end to the school year.

Today I await my chance to even get into my classroom to pack up for the year. Truthfully, I am dreading it, knowing the tears that it will surely evoke, walking back into a classroom prepared for March. Literally frozen in time. A classroom still full of so many materials, plans, unused supplies, and missing students. Nametags on each desk I made and laminated for them with their names written in cursive for them to practice. A rolling suitcase that I called the "portable store", full of goodies for them to work hard for and spend their hard-earned plastic coins, goodies I'll have to save for next year's class. Math packets half-filled up that we worked on daily as a small group. Fun Math and Reading stations posted on the wall, those parts of class they looked forward to every day because they got to work with and learn from their classmates, as well as their weekly jobs and centers that they loved to do with a partner every morning during breakfast. Now the legos sit quietly, the puzzle sits unfinished, the date hasn't changed, and the job wheel hasn't rotated once in the last two months. Our class picture still hangs on the door, right under their Pre-K class pictures that they also took with me in their very first year of school. And my heart hurts for the kids I don't get to hug tight fifteen days from now when that last school bell rings for the 2019-2020 school year.

And here at home, I'm supposed to be proudly counting down the next fifteen days to my first and last child's high school graduation, a day I've been thinking about since the first day of school this year, knowing it was the last day my son and I would share in the same district on the same school schedule. Such a huge milestone in his life, and we don't even know what the graduation plans are yet. I hoped he'd be able to come for our annual Graduation Walk at my Elementary School, as this year I'd finally get my turn to have my own child be the one walking those halls of the very elementary school where he started out as a kindergardener. I looked forward to the fact that my parents now live here and would get to attend his graduation, along with his aunt and uncle and cousins that live nearby. At this point, graduation may be a virtual experience!

It's a surreal way to count down these last fifteen days, so far beyond our wildest imagination of what we'd ever experience. I'm enjoying the experience of teaching from my front porch every morning, soaking up the sound of the birds, and I'm savoring every extra moment with my son, cherishing our daily bike rides ALL OVER TOWN and our curbside dates at random destinations, like SONIC, Chick-FilA, Rosalind Coffee, Braum's, Scooter's Coffee, etc.,--trying to make the end of his senior year as fun as possible when you're stuck at home with Mom. :) But every day that gets us closer to May 21 is another day closer to those tears welling up, another day to grieve all that's been lost, despite what's been gained.

 My new "teacher chair", where I make daily videos for my kids

 Bike rides with David (that's David up there, leaving me in the dust)

 Random destinations

 Where kids are supposed to learn, together, and from each other

Our last first day together at GISD, oblivious to the year ahead

 Fifteen days. Can you believe it? 

April 2020 at the Alspaugh's

April is always a month full of special celebrations in our home, though it seems to be a hard month every year, as well. This year proved no different, as we happened to spend it in quarantine.

April 10th, Mike and I celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary, 4 days after celebrating our 26th dating anniversary. This year, rather than going out together, we celebrated as a family by ordering take-out from our favorite restaurant. Then Juan disappeared and came back with banana splits for all of us. And my anniversary gift? A new office chair for my new home office, aka--my bedroom.

April 14th, we celebrated Julian's 27th birthday, making sure he knew he was loved and never forgotten about, though he's living far away in Buenos Aires, Argentina, far from both of his beloved siblings. We walked to the grocery store to get milk and came home with a pie. :)

April 18th, four days later, we celebrated Laura's 18th birthday. Juan went to the store to pick up medicine and came home with a cake to celebrate his sister, specifically to celebrate the last of his siblings to become an adult.

In addition to our celebrations, David and I have found several things to do together to pass our time. We've taken up biking and have ridden over 50 miles together (he's ridden a bit more than I have). I took a tumble over a parking curb, of all things, right in front of a doctor's office and am pretty sure I broke my toe. It's put a damper on my morning nature walks for right now, but at least I can still ride, so I'm going to have to go for morning nature rides instead until my toe heals. I'll spare you the pictures of my very purple toe, but here are my nature pics that keep me inspired every day.

We've also done quite a few different photo shoots--one for senior pics that we never had done, one to show my FLAT niece from Indiana around town for her school project (like Flat Stanley), and then more of David at his high school. Kinda made me sad to realize that, although school isn't over yet, he's already closed the door on that chapter of his life at Sachse High School, knowing he won't walk those halls again.

 We showed our flat niece our church, the soccer fields where David literally grew up and then worked his first job, 

 Whataburger (a Texas thing), David's MST Elementary School, 

 Our favorite coffee shop, Rosalind, a pic with Texas bluebonnets, 

 Big Lots, Chick Fil-A

 The front porch swing, Juan's surprise at how tall she actually is, 

 and our schools, where I work, and where David went and Juan works. Now we hope she'll come to Texas to visit us some day. 

We're still waiting on a final decision for graduation, but I plan to send out his announcements this week anyway.  We truly are launching this class into the twilight zone.

I continue to work and teach from home, enthusiastically for the kids that are working, while desperately trying to keep the rest of the kids on board as their participation rates drop daily. That part is truly draining, both mentally and emotionally. So I'm having to get creative to draw them back in and keep them working for the next four weeks. I've also been working through online trainings to get my Google Level 1 Certification, busily "preparing" for an unknown future with virtual schooling. I'm glad I finally "have" the time to get the training because it's all super helpful in the classroom, as well.

Juan is battling a hard allergy season and is struggling through this pandemic away from the company of people. Watching him deal with this is just another reminder of how trauma affects the brain and keeps him behind, that "learned helplessness" that comes with having lived so much of life institutionalized. Trauma is real and has lifelong effects on the brain. While David is creatively and proactively finding new things to do to keep himself busy and active through this, Juan will sleep his day away, struggle to sleep all night, and keep himself glued to social media and/or electronic devices. It's very hard to reason with him or even have an adult conversation with him, so I'm praying fervently that God is working on his heart and will prepare him for his next steps. While it's a difficult stage to live through with him, I'm thankful he's stuck at home and not out in any kind of trouble. The good news is that he paid off all of his school loans that he got for the first three semesters of college, giving him a fresh start to go back to school or pursue a new path. He does occasionally get out, walks the dog daily, gets creative in the kitchen, rides bike with David a little, and attends a drive-in church where his best friend's dad pastors. I don't mean to make it sound all bad. It's just different with him because of the way he processes life.

I had hoped to have more time to read and write, but daily phonecalls with parents and students, slow computers and wifi while trying to upload my plans, constant texting with parents, accepting and grading work at all hours of the day, zoom meetings and google hangouts have filled my time and stretched me thin, despite being at home and not having to go anwhere.

So with that, we wrap up April of 2020 and see what May brings to this twilight zone that we never imagined we'd ever through. I'm thankful we're all healthy, though. I'll keep you tuned on graduation!

What I'm not missing

So. The school building is officially closed for the remainder of the school year. We won't have any sense of closure to the year. No goodbye hugs. No big awards ceremony to recognize each child in front of their parents. No class party. No cleaning out the room together to give them all the extra supplies we didn't end up using. No autograph books that we do on the last day to leave notes of encouragement with each child. No field trip or field trip memories. I could go on and on about all that's lost.

But you know me. There's so much to be gained, and I'm constantly reminding myself of that when this distance learning gig gets tough (and it does get hard some days). It's draining to contact parents over and over to get their child connected, to explain what they need to do, and still have little to no response. It's disheartening to spend so much time planning only to have participation drop a little bit more each week, as the district raises the expectation. It's tiring being online or on my phone all day, knowing that you need to reach out to friends and family in the evenings, but you've got parents and students needing your attention and guidance then, too. I'm truly working till 9 or 10 pm every night.

Lots of good stuff is happening, but the reality is, I really miss my kids, and it breaks my heart to wake up to videos from them first thing in the morning saying, "Ok, Mrs. Alspaugh, I miss you." Teaching online is teaching them great things and great skills that they wouldn't be learning otherwise. It's making them learn to organize themselves, to work more closely with their parents, and to be creative with technology. They're gaining confidence to video their work and explain their thinking and learning. They're problem solving their way through this just like we are. It's forcing teachers like me who were reluctant to use technology more efficiently in the classroom to realize all the potential behind it. But there's still a huge void without the daily hugs, pats on the back, simple smiles, and social interaction. I really miss those sweet little faces.

But while I'm desperately missing the physical proximity of my students, I'm NOT missing the physical proximity of my son. We went from begging him to take two days off of work during spring break to spend time as a family, thinking it was our last break together before college. I mean, summer was already packed. Graduation and graduation celebrations. Two weeks of camp (one as a leader, one as a camper). Two weeks in South Africa. Perhaps another week serving in the Rio Grande Valley. Plus working nearly full-time at Chick Fil-A and attending freshman orientation at DBU. Whew. And now here we are at home together, day after day, week after week, with most everything already canceled (or at least still up in the air) this summer, too.

We've been playing cards, playing Wii Sports, playing video games, watching movies and whole seasons of TV shows, cooking, baking, taking long walks, riding bike for miles on end, and sleeping late every day. There's nothing like riding bikes together and hearing your 18 year old say, "Remember when we....." as we turn a corner down a street we used to ride together when he was younger. And just the other day, I mentioned a senior photo shoot at a place we rode by on our bikes, and he quickly agreed. Every moment I spend with this kid, I'm eternally grateful because this time is truly a gift that I thought had already expired.

Someone started a Facebook Group called Adopt a Senior, and each Senior got to be adopted twice. Here are some sweet goodies that have arrived at our doorstep to celebrate our quarantined senior as a result of this new movement. (We adopted a random stranger, too--another Senior from another school that's headed to DBU, as well.)

Now that it's official we're not going back, we now await news on graduation, which is technically only a month and two days away. Yes, we're missing so much these days, but look at all we're NOT missing. Moments that would not have existed if things were "normal".

So, I apologize for not reaching out to a lot of friends and family. It's not that I'm not thinking about you and missing you. Parts of this job literally drain me (constant phone calls and texts, slow computers, learning new things and apps every day, zoom meetings, Google Hangouts--which can be fun and good, but are extremely draining to this introvert, etc.), and in the off-moments (the odd moments that I'm not working), I'm either reading for pleasure--because I finally can, writing for pleasure--because it's quiet, or embracing every moment of true quality time I've been gifted with this boy.