Christmas 2019

We had to get creative as to where to put the tree this year since we got new furniture pieces over the year that took the normal tree spaces. 

I can't believe the time has come for this precious boy's senior picture ornament to hang on my tree.

I was thankful to Juan for helping me at least get our cross lit up this year.

And even more thankful when I came home from work that last week before Christmas to find that Mike had gotten new lights to light up our nativity. I loved how they went together so well, the cross with the nativity, the gospel in one lit up display. 

Mike and I decided to commit to the Luke challenge this year, reading a chapter a day in the month of December in spiritual preparation for Christmas. I will have to say that it was a really neat experience, reading about the resurrection on Christmas Eve morning. 

This was a much tighter year financially due to job changes, but with two working sons, we still ended up with an abundance of gifts to exchange between the four of us. I loved the giving hearts of both of my sons toward each other and toward us. I also was quite amazed at Juan's still very obvious childlike anxiety over seeing so many gifts and wondering what he might be getting. This was still only his seventh Christmas with us, meaning only his seventh year to actually have gifts under the tree for him. A good reminder to me that although we need to start pushing more adulthood on him, we also need to appreciate and celebrate the child within him. He may not have gotten everything he asked for, but at least he felt seen and heard and loved. 

In keeping with tradition, we started Christmas Eve by attending the last candlelight service at church, side by side with my brother's family. (My parents couldn't attend because they both caught a pretty bad cold this year.)

And also in keeping with the Kloppmann side of tradition, we ordered pizza on the way home from the service before starting our gift exchange. Here are a few things we ended up with from each other:

A relaxation kit for me from Mike.

A steering wheel for Mike's truck from the boys.

An extra long phone charger for the boy who can't seem to disconnect from his phone.

A good old Texas t-shirt

Another fun shirt.

A voucher to go shopping later. Now he can choose between the clothes or the shoes that he wanted so we don't have to make that choice for him.

Juan's way of secretly coding the gifts by writing Mom in Hebrew. 

An oversized hoodie from Juan since I'm always cold. 

A tiny note from Juan tucked into a pencil sharpener, taped tightly in a cookie tin, wrapped inside a bunch of tissue paper, wrapped inside a taped up shoe box, placed nicely in a stapled gift bag. Lol.

A pretty nice (and expensive) gift from Juan to David.

A candle to make the house smell like cookies in the oven. 

A welcome-to-adulthood gift for Juan.

A blanket for Mike with his truck on it--with David in the driver's seat! This has been David's mode of transportation this semester while they have been working on David's pick-up for several months. 

More warm pajamas.

I had just told Mike that I needed a pan just a bit bigger than the one on the stove and just a bit smaller than the one in the cabinet. So now I have one just the right size. 

A new shirt for David, just his color to highlight his beautiful blue eyes. 

Juan confused about what could possibly be in this big box.

Even more confused by the Big Lots box (it didn't come from Big Lots.)

"Holy cow! It's a piano!"

I told him he'd be surprised, but still happy (after a long conversation the day before about not always getting exactly what you asked for--he's always wanted to learn how to play the piano, but we never had anything for him to play around with at home.)

A much-needed new watch/fitness tracker. 

The weighted vest that he randomly asked for to use while walking the dog.

A wireless mouse from David to help my classroom run more efficiently. 

A pic of the day he reunited with his sister at the Real Madrid stadium in Madrid. 

Pretty self-explanatory. 

Headphones so we don't have to listen to the beginning piano stages. 

Brother/sister pic

Christmas Day with my parents 

The crackling Christmas Day fire on a 70 degree day. 

Plus David got a laptop as a combination gift for Christmas/b-day/graduation, but we didn't get any pics of it. 

It was a quiet Christmas, but nice. We ended the day with a big Christmas dinner at home that we threw together and then played cards for several hours in the evening.

A decade ago...

How soon we forget just how much we've survived and how far we've come. 

A few days ago, someone commented on my online failed adoption grief support group about how they didn't know how they could celebrate Christmas this year in the midst of such raw grief over losing a child they thought was coming home to them. 

Oh, how could I have forgotten such a Christmas. I commented on her post, letting her know that I remembered all too well how I couldn't stay home for Christmas that year. We went on a long trip, far from home. Basically, I ran away to numb the pain, to find some way to still make positive memories with our 8 year old biological child. Memories that kept me alive and awake to the child in front of me.

That was a decade ago. Nothing could have prepared me for the shock and grief that swallowed me as we closed out the decade from the year 2000-2009. We started out the new decade walking a long, lonely road. But we made it.

And here we are. Ten years later. 

And now every few days I get a new request from someone looking to join our grief support group. And every few days, I read tearful posts like the one described above. Someone lost in shock and grief, not knowing how to process such a unique loss, not knowing how to move on. 

Yet now with each tearful post, dozens of replies follow, each one a comfort to the original person, letting them know they aren't alone. Many say they experienced something very similar and can understand their pain. Many say how they are surviving or give tips as to how to allow themselves time to grieve. Others are further out from their initial grief and can give hope that they can and will survive. 

And as each comforting reply comes through, I can't help but be thankful that because I grieved alone and personally knew a support group was needed, now all of these new members of our group can find immediate comfort from others who have been there. They have a space to express their shock and grief and are met with true empathy and warmth. 

Looking back over the last decade, I can actually thank God for letting that adoption fail. For not giving me my little girl. For not giving me a daughter to raise. For not letting my son come home for over two more years. For seeing a bigger picture. It didn't make sense, and parts of the story will never make sense this side of eternity.  But for all of the good I've seen come through it,  I am thankful. For all of the grieving mothers that can immediately find the help and comfort they need when their adoption fails unexpectedly, it was worth it. 

As Ann Voskamp stated in her book  One Thousand Gifts, we are emptied in order to fill. We are blessed so we can bless. "The way through the pain is to reach out to others in theirs." p. 199.  It's all part of our healing journey. 

Christmas Around the World

I love to travel and see the world. For awhile I collected vases, then wallets and purses, then mugs from everywhere that I travelled. Recently I started collecting nativities, and now those nativities are my favorite Christmas decorations. After going on a cruise this summer, I now have even more for my collection. 

 This one is from Roatan, Honduras. It's actually an ornament.

 This one came from Israel, though my parents don't remember buying it. It's marked Israel on it, though, with a K.K. for Karl Kloppmann.

 I bought this one two summers ago in Spain.

 This one came from Belize.

 I'm pretty sure I bought this one in San Antonio when we took a quick family trip there last Christmas. It may have come from Mexico, though. 

This one came from Guatemala. I ran out of money to get a nativity there, so one of our students bought me one at the airport before our flight took off. Such an incredibly touching gesture that will forever remind me of her.

 Both of these came from Colombia.

November 2019

It's been so long since I've written on this blog, it actually feels a bit awkward. I can't really pinpoint what made my joy to write disappear this last year or so, except that I feel like it doesn't fit with my current season of life.  I'm sure it will come back to me soon enough.

But whether I "feel like" writing or not, I can't let this month slip me by without documenting the memories that we've made so I can look back on them later.

We ended October celebrating Mike's birthday over dinner as a family at Spring Creek Barbecue. Juan wanted to buy brisket for Mike to smoke on the smoker, but then we settled for already smoked brisket instead that left a lot less work. We also took him on a shopping spree at his favorite store, Boot Barn, so he could get whatever he wanted. That was totally the boys' idea, and he loved it!

The following week, we celebrated Juan's 22nd birthday with cinnamon rolls for breakfast and a jello cake that we didn't even get to try until the following day. His coworkers showered him with celebration all day long and an old classmate made him a cake. We all headed to church events that evening, so we celebrated with a family dinner out at Chili's the next night, grandparents included. :)

The following week, we went out as a family again to celebrate David's 18th birthday a couple days early. As intentional as I've always tried to be with this child, somehow I clearly see his childhood slipping right through my fingers. I'm so incredibly proud of the young man he has become. I find myself holding on tight to every moment I have left with him still living at home and living on the same school calendar as me. I wait up on the couch for him when he works late, I take him out for coffee on the weekends whenever he's not working, I actually buy all the extra things he throws in the cart at the grocery store just because I'm thrilled that he went to the store with me. The deck of Skipbo cards is never far from reach so we can always play a quick game or two whenever we find a few moments where we're not all headed in different directions. 

Two days later, he left us to go serve as a leader at the Middle School Retreat. When I jokingly bugged the youth pastor about stealing my son from me on his 18th birthday, he said, "Hey, you're sending out arrows to make a spiritual impact on a future generation." Who am I to argue with that one? Sigh. 

As much as my mama heart keeps thinking how much I'm gonna miss this kid, I am intentionally cherishing every moment I have with him close by.  And I love that he still draws close, rather than pushing me away. (Except when I try to get him out of bed before noon on his day off!)

We volunteer at the food panty together whenever we're all free, and then enjoy a big dinner out together. We seized this last Wednesday evening when all church activities were cancelled for the holiday and found another favorite restaurant to eat out together. Perhaps its a few more calories and dollars than we would spend by eating at home, but we're creating memories that I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm very keenly aware that life is about to transition in big ways in just a few months, and I don't want to be left wishing that I'd embraced the time in front of me.

November has always been one of our most sentimental months with Mike and the boys' birthdays coming together within 17 days. This month has left us feeling blessed, and I am grateful. We've all four experienced deep, significant losses this year in different ways, but God has very tenderly showed me that newness of life can come out of loss, and I can thank him even for the losses because of the gains they eventually produce. 

We ended the month with Thanksgiving at my parents' house (another blessing), but I unfortunately didn't get any pictures of our feast. It was good, though! Then my mom and I went shopping for our annual Black Friday morning out together to one little shopping strip, and rather than lunch at Chick Fil-A, we enjoyed an earlier brunch there, served by none other than my favorite worker, David. :)