Just walking the trails

So, I could say that I've had an adventurous winter break. Over the last 9 days, I've walked trails in Los Angeles, California, through five little towns in Italy, in New Zealand, Canada, British Columbia, and even Argentina! I've walked through woods, through rocky trails, on the tops of mountains, and right along the beach. 

Okay, so I wish I got to do all that. Actually, I just joined the new gym that opened right around the corner, and when I press the virtual tour button, the screen takes me on famous trails all over the world. It's kinda cool.

Now you have to understand, I hate the gym. I hate working out with other people around, I hate having to change my clothes in order to exercise, and I hate crowds. 

But I love my boys and my family, and I'm always trying to be super intentional about finding ways to hang out with them and stay connected with them. I had no intention of joining a gym, though I knew the stress of last year had gotten the better of me physically and I needed some accountability to get back on track with more healthy decisions. 

So when David started talking about joining a gym, it was a no-brainer to do it together as a family. He researched gyms close to us, and we found a new one that just opened up by the mall around the corner. I've already seen big benefits for me mentally (if I'm feeling overwhelmed, I can go tune out on the treadmill to recharge), not to mention the physical benefit that comes with being active, the dietary benefit (because it's harder to eat a bunch of junk after you just worked so hard to burn calories), and the bonding benefit of working out side by side with your sons. 

I'm looking forward to how this impromptu decision is going to help us become a healthier, more connected and bonded family in many ways. 

And I am excited to keep walking such famous trails all over the world. Any opportunity to see the world keeps my spirit motivated. 

Unexpected beginnings

2020 started much differently than other years.

We usually bring in a new year by playing card games, eating 12 grapes (a Colombian tradition), drinking a sparkling drink of some kind, and watching the ball drop on TV.

This year Juan drove to DBU to celebrate with friends, and David went to Atlanta to attend the Passion 2020 Conference.

It was David's first opportunity to attend Passion, as it's for 18-25 year olds, and he just turned 18. Juan hasn't ever gone, so we knew little about it.

As soon as it started on Tuesday evening, David sent me a text saying that we could watch the sessions live online and even on certain TV stations. 

So Mike and I pulled it up online while we played cards, and we sat and watched almost the entire first session of the conference from the comfort of our home. Then we sat and listened as 65, 000 young adults brought in the new year and new decade while singing praises to God, while worshipping with song. We even sang along here. It was beautiful, and I am so thankful that David had the opportunity (and desire) to be there. I can't think of a better, more memorable and truly meaningful way for him to bring in the year 2020.

 While this went on outside...

 this continued on inside, without skipping a beat. 

 Powerful.

 Day 2, while Mike was at work, Juan and I sat playing cards and watching more of the Passion sessions together. 

I ended up spending the following two days watching as much of the conference as I could along with him. And each session made me more thankful that he had the chance to be there. You know God worked deeply in his heart when he came home with a new book by John Piper and said, "Mom, you can read this book after I'm done with it." (This is the child that's super smart, but won't crack open a book unless absolutely necessary.)

Expecting God to show up big in 2020. 

A few highlights of the last year

 The opportunity to dine over the ocean

 A few hours of relaxation on a private beach in Cozumel--an excursion that we won! Before the beach, we got to go snorkeling.

 Visiting a small school in Belize

 Visiting an orphanage in Belize

 Finally experiencing the "floating city" behind all those little windows on the ship

 The clearest of waters in Roatan, Honduras. 

 Sunsets over the ocean

 David finding his natural ability in the accounting field, surpassing all the kids in the grade above him in his class.

 Unexpected FC Dallas game tickets

 Another successful butterfly release with 2nd graders

 A surprise strawberry pie for my birthday from my mom

 David earned his letter and letter jacket.

 Free concerts in the park

 Impromptu coffee date with BOTH my parents

 My dad published another book!

 David got accepted into DBU

 My mom and I got to be part of a Lifeway taping of Mary DeMuth's upcoming Bible study, Into the Light

 Our Gratitude Wall in second grade

 Bringing in the new year while worshipping, singing praises to our God, along with 65,000 college age students at the 2020 Passion Conference in Atlanta, Georgia. 

2020 Word for the year

As I realized that my year to shine quickly began to close, I also realized that I hadn't even thought about a new word for 2020. I started to toy around with a few words and just came up empty. So, I prayed for God to reveal a word to help define, direct, and lead the coming year.

At first the phrase "let go" flashed across my mind. But a phrase just didn't seem right. I asked myself what word might capture the act of letting go, and as soon as I spoke it aloud, I knew God had given me my new word.

Release.

As a verb, it means to allow or enable to escape from confinement, to set free. Some synonyms and synonomous phrases included liberate, set loose, let out, allow to leave, unchain, unleash, liberate, let go. 

Looking back over 2019, I can say it held more darkness than any other year of the last decade other than walking through grief in 2010 over the failed adoption. I ended 2018 on a spiritual high, ready to celebrate all that God had in store for our marriage and family. Yet some of our darkest days as a couple loomed on the horizon, precisely at the time we'd already planned a big celebration. 2019 was a hard year. Period.

I won't go into detail about any of it because I'm still working through and sorting out a lot of the trials that truly blindsided us. I'm thankful for the buds of growth that I've seen come through those trials, I'm thankful for unexpected and unexplained financial stability, I'm thankful for employment, and I'm thankful to be teaching the grade that my heart wanted to teach (when even that threatened to be taken from me). I'm thankful for an amazing class of second graders that have already surpassed many of my expectations for them. I'm thankful that so far this current school year has been one of my best years ever as a teacher with a class of kids that absolutely love coming to school and working together as the "family" that we are in my classroom.

But despite all the good I see and am claiming, there's still a lot I need to release into my Father's hands. Hurt, anger, disappointment, unanswered questions, unmet expectations, changes in plans, etc. I need to open up my tight fist and let things go.

In addition to releasing the past, there's an 18 year old boy in my home awaiting his upcoming release from high school to college, from dependence to independence. My heart is fighting hard against this new word, yet knows the time is coming soon. I don't like any part of it. He's my little buddy, the one who's accompanied me on nearly every adventure over the last 18 years. I hate that his childhood has slipped away, yet he's everything I could have hoped for in an adult son. We raised him to be responsible, independent, caring, with a heart for the lost and a passion to serve. He's completely devoted to his church and serves at every opportunity that comes up. He's incredibly independent and carefully plans out every minute of his time between his church friends and activities, his job, his truck, and his family. He manages his money carefully and lives frugally to stretch every dollar. He's currently with the young adult group (one of only 8 who are still high schoolers) in Georgia at the Passion Conference, and he's eagerly awaiting his first international mission trip (without his family) to South Africa this July, hoping he might also have the chance this summer to return to the Rio Grande Valley in Texas to serve the families in the valley. After that, he'll be driving his truck off to Dallas Baptist University to start his freshman year as a college student. He's a natural born leader, very confident in who he is. Ready for release, whether I'm ready or not.

I know from experience that the act of releasing something is freeing and liberating to the soul. I also know that God asks us to open up our grip from whatever it is that we're white-knuckling and release it so He can fill our hands with something greater. But releasing my first-born son is not going to be easy on this mama's heart.

Yet I began the last decade learning to let go of two children, and God filled my open, empty hands with more blessing than I ever could have seen coming through that act of release. I'm looking forward to seeing what God has for my son and our family in this new decade to come as I learn to release what is no longer mine to hold onto.

2020. Graduation year. It always seemed so far away, yet here it is. As reluctant as I am to show emotion, you might just catch a few tears on my cheeks at unexpected times over the course of this year.